Sunday, July 25, 2004

No crisis this weekend

The weekend passed without crisis. It was lonely, which is typical since my daughter spends the weekends with her father, but I wasn't overly preoccupied by thoughts of suicide like I usually am. The rage I felt Thursday subsided without me hurting myself. Though I suppose I still hurt myself every day because I'm still smoking. It's just a different, long term kind of self injury rather than the instant relief of frustration and anger by cutting I like to partake in.

I'm nervous about my therapy appointment with Ms. J tomorrow. Worried about how I will make the adjustment to the new therapist. Wonder if they already have someone picked out for me or if I'll have to wait a week or more until they schedule something. I already know I'll meet this new person with anger, reluctance and suspicion. There are just some areas in life where I don't adjust to change very well and this is one of them.

Everything in my life just seems so up in the air and disorganized. There are no certainties or a schedule of any kind. There are things I should be doing, but it's so hard to get the motivation to do anything. I have a stack of mail piling up that I really need to sort through, but just the thought of that task seems overwhelming. Every task seems overwhelming so I don't do any of them.

I just wish I could figure out why things have gotten so terrible. What was the trigger that sent me so far off the chart that I can't work, can't raise my daughter, can't function on even the most basic of levels. I don't think it was the failure of my marriage, because I had already been deteriorating for several years before my marriage even started to hit the rocks. My impending divorce was just a unintended casualty of my failing mental state....or maybe it wasn't.

Maybe my "faking" it, finally just caught up with me. I had never wanted to get married or have kids, yet I ended up doing both. It was a struggle very early on, but I think I finally just fell into the role of wife and mother because I knew I had taken on that commitment. Never had any clue what I wanted to do with my life, so when I ended up pregnant, I just went with it without ever thinking about the consequences. Did the same for the marriage. Maybe it was all doomed to fail from the start. Maybe my entire life was doomed to fail from the start. I'm just surprised everything lasted as long as it has.


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