Group is pissing me off again

This DBT group is really pissing me off. Once again they were close to canceling. If a new person hadn't started today, they would have because none of the other people bothered showing up. If they do cancel on me, I know I'm through. I will not join the other group during the day. I will just quit going at all.

Since I was the "experienced" one of the group, I had to do more talking than I'm used to, which was very uncomfortable. Specially since we started a new session today on "managing emotions". Think this will be even harder than the last session on relationships. Don't know how to manage my emotions because I don't even know how to identify most of them. They had us do a little worksheet where we had to think of a childhood memory. Then we had to identify what emotions we felt and then tell what beliefs we learned about emotions from the experience. Took forever to even think of a memory, but after a few suggestions, I finally did. Told them it was the first time I remember having an emotional "meltdown".

As far as the beliefs about emotions, we never discussed or even acknowledged emotions in my family except my mother's anger. So I learned not to express anything except anger. Stuff & stuff & stuff my emotions until I can't stuff them any more. That's what I learned. Think that's part of the reason I've been in such a bad place for so long, there's no where left to stuff anything and I don't know what to do with the whole mess. Don't know how to let it out, still don't think it's appropriate to even show emotions and now I'm at a complete loss.

The therapists that run the group said that they are finally beginning to see how much I'm struggling with. The more I talk, the more apparent it is. Thought it was pretty apparent from my blank affect and body language, but maybe it's not. I told them today I'm barely holding on and that I'm trying really hard to keep myself out of the hospital. Little do they know just how close to harming myself I really am.