Saturday, July 31, 2004

Too quiet today

It's too quiet here today. I used to love being alone, craved my independence. Now whenever I'm by myself I feel uneasy, afraid and lonely. As if no one in the world is aware of my existence and no one cares. I try to distract myself by watching tv or playing on the computer but that doesn't seem to help much. I can't seem to find anything that holds my interest, I'm bored by everything.

Guess the hardest part about being alone is all the thoughts running amok in my head. When I want to ignore them is when they are the loudest. It's hard to concentrate when it gets like this. Can't focus in on any one thought. I'm even having a hard time writing this post. Everything is so jumbled that I can't think what, if anything, I want to say today.

I have the urge to cut. I keep looking at the razor blade I have sitting by my monitor and I'm so tempted to pick it up, but I'm trying not to. It's been several weeks since I used it last. Suppose I could consider that progress. The urge has been there, but I didn't act on it every time. Both my therapist & the DBT group wanted me to sign an agreement saying I wouldn't partake in any self harm. I couldn't sign it because it would present too big of a dilemma for me. If I signed, I would hold myself to that agreement, that's just how I am. But the urge would still be there and if I couldn't cut to relieve that urge, it would result in my having an extreme outburst of rage. The nurses during one of my hospital stays got to witness that first hand, it was not a pretty sight.

I'm spending more time staring off into space then actually typing. Guess I'll go take care of this urge and head to bed.

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