Monday, August 02, 2004

A strange turn

Things have taken a strange turn and my ex is none too pleased. Last night after he had dropped our daughter off, she got upset and started talking about how daddy never listens to her, how mad she is about having to go to two new schools this year and how she feels she needs to change who she is in order to fit into this new family. At one point I wanted to tell her to just quit complaining because there was nothing she could do about it...but then I decided that I should encourage her to keep letting her feelings out. She had valid reasons for feeling the way she did and she should express them. She went on for at least an hour.

In the end, I agreed with her when she said that she wished the whole last year had never happened. But I told her there's no way to turn back time and we need to find ways to move forward. I told her we'd make arrangements to sit down with her father to discuss all the things she was upset about.

So I called him today and told him. She does not want to go live with him and his new family. She wants to stay here with me and the more I think about it, I want her to stay. I know I wanted to set a give up and die date for February, but I have a child...I can't be that selfish. When I decided to have her, my life was no longer my own. I can't bring a child into this world, give her more love and attention than she could ever need and then suddenly rip everything from her in a single instant.

Everything is so complicated. On the one hand, I want nothing more than to have her be with me....on the other hand, I wonder if I have what it takes mentally to continue to raise her. Today I'm full of clarity, as if nothing is wrong with me, but I know that tomorrow could be completely different.

I know that I have to think of what is in her best interest. But when I feel mentally alert like I do today, it's hard to see how depressed and mentally void I can be. Even now that I'm off the phone with her dad, I keep thinking maybe living with him would be better. I'm just so unsure of what to do. Do I listen to my heart that says she should stay here with me, or do I listen to my head which tells me things would be better for her at her dad's...more stable, better schools, more discipline.

There has to be a final decision made and soon. Once it's made, there will be no making changes. Either she will live with me through high school, or she will live with him. Wish I could step out of my life and let someone else make the choice, because I'm not sure I can.


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