Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Whack me upside the head

Can someone just whack me upside the head with a sledgehammer?? PLEASE??? Everything is so jumbled in there I can't make any decisions about anything. What a complete fucking waste of space I am. My ex was yelling at me today because I can't make up my mind about our daughter. Says he's tired of me going back & forth on the issue, and says that my indecisiveness is yet more proof she shouldn't be with me.

I just want to scream, rip my hair out, rip my flesh to shreds...something, anything that will get all this frustration out. It's so incredibly aggravating to be highly intelligent yet be so mentally incapacitated at the same time. I know what I should be doing and thinking yet my mind isn't cooperating with me. I don't even have a clue how to get it under control. Things have never been this bad. I have no ability to concentrate, to reason, to focus....fuck.

Some days I'm so lost inside my own head I'm completely unaware of the world around me. But days like today, I can't even get inside my own head to find the thoughts I'm looking for. It's as if I've been locked out of my own head. Someone else is in there, taking over, rearranging things and I'm just stuck pounding on the door, looking for a way in. I have to be thinking though, because I'm typing all this crap. But it almost doesn't feel like it's me. Feels like the words are just flowing out from an unseen hole in my mind and I'm not thinking about them, they're just coming out however they want.

I have been getting all jittery from the Rilatin. I'm still taking it though, hoping that's just a temporary side effect that will go away over time. I can't tell if it's had any effect on my mood. Most days I'm so busy just going through the motions that I don't feel anything at all, never even stop to think about it.

Today we kept busy. Spent 3 hours at the salon while my daughter got her hair done. I had mine done as well, but mine went really quickly. Then from there we ate lunch, came home & did a few things, ate dinner, then I had to drive her out to some bowling thing she wanted to do with her friends. I'm just wasting time now til I have to pick her up.

I suppose keeping busy is a good thing, doesn't leave time for the negative thoughts to run rampant through my head. I usually pay for it the next day though. I'm both mentally and physically fatigued but still don't have time to stop and take a breather. When I finally do get a chance to rest, the depression blindsides me and I can't function. It's a vicious circle. Stop the ride, I wanna get off.


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