Saturday, August 14, 2004

A crisis is looming

A crisis is looming and it's putting me on edge. I don't know how to handle my own emotions let alone someone else's so I’m not sure what to do or what to say in this situation.

My ex called yesterday which isn't out of the ordinary. He calls all the time to talk to his daughter or to me about her. But this call was different. This was about us. He said he's been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching. Told me he didn't like the man he was and is looking to make changes. He wanted to know if I would sit down and talk with him because there were things that he wanted to get off his chest. Even though I felt he was just trying to clear his conscience of the guilt he may be feeling for the lies and deceit he bestowed upon our marriage, I agreed to listen to whatever it was he wanted to say.

He then proceeded to ask if I'd also like to meet him on another level. I asked him to explain, even though I knew exactly where he was going with that statement. I just wanted to see if he'd actually have the balls and conceit to do it. Sure enough he did. He asked if I'd have sex with him. Said that he hasn't been with his girlfriend in over three months, that it is just a platonic relationship now. He actually told me that because he's been sex deprived, that he couldn't concentrate and figure things out in his head. Guess that's proof of which head most men think with.

I was floored that he would even dare to ask that. What does he expect of me? Does he think that because legally we're still married, even though we've been separated for more than a year, that he has the right to expect or ask things of me as his wife? Does he think that I'll forgive him and take him back? I could have gone off on him, but I gave him a polite no. I don't want to fight with the man anymore, it's not helpful to the relationship I have to maintain with him for the sake of our child, which is why I held my tongue.

So today he was coming over to pick up our daughter for the weekend. He calls just about the time he should have been in the driveway and says he wants to kill himself. Said that he's lost everything, specifically mentioning his family, and doesn't want to hurt anymore. I think I did a good job of remaining level-headed. I told him that killing himself wasn't an option, that we both need to be here for our daughter. (Why is it that these things are so easy for me to say to someone else, but find it so hard to believe them when someone else says them to me?)

I made him tell me where he was and I drove out to the motel he was at to talk to him. Won't go into details because I'd be writing all night, but we did almost 3 hours of talking. The fucker at one point even tried to get me to have sex with him. That enraged me, but again I simply told him no. Told him I would always be there for him to talk to but that nothing will happen between us beyond that. I finally told him that there was a little girl waiting for her daddy and left.

He did come pick her up and take her out for awhile, but he did drop her off. Now I'm worrying because he's alone at that motel and I have no idea if he will try something. I don't know if I should call the police and have him admitted against his will or what. He seemed better after we talked, but I know from personal experience that looks can be very deceiving. I don't know if anything I said may have triggered him to want to go through with suicide or if it helped him decide he does need to be here for his daughter. I did stress to him one important fact that I myself need to remember. That the pain he's going through doesn't die when he does. It'll just be transferred onto a precious girl that doesn't deserve to hurt like that. Told him he'd be sentencing her to death because losing either one of us would tear her heart out.

I don't think I'm going to get any sleep tonight. I've been thinking about calling the suicide hotline to see what they suggest and I think I probably will do that. He did say he'd be here in the morning to take the squirt out again…I just really hope he is.


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