Thursday, August 12, 2004

Not a good week

This has not been a good week for me so far. My emotions have been bouncing between numb to severely depressed the last several days. Nothing's been triggering the depression, it just keeps trying to take hold. Think today was the worst it's been. Almost broke down crying during DBT group for no reason. After group was over, I wanted to ask if it would be alright if I just sat and cried, but I was too concerned about how the therapists would react to that. They know I haven't been doing well and I'm just so afraid to be locked up again.

Group today was about identifying primary and secondary emotions. How when a situation arises, we have a primary emotional reaction that is justifiable, such as being disappointed if a friend cancels plans with us. It's when the negative self talk starts that we start getting into the secondary emotions which don't allow us to deal with the situation rationally.

I told them I was quite aware of which is which, but I don't have the ability to stop the secondary emotions from taking over...they just do in a split second. Then once they do, I don't have the ability to get myself out of the depressive funk or rage they put me in. The emotions are so automatic I have no idea how I'd ever be able to reprogram my thinking so they don't keep taking over.

They ask for an example of a situation I've been in, so I told them about my therapist last week and how I was basically left without one because of how their stupid program works. Told them how incredibly pissed off I was, how I have such a hard time asking for help and every time I do I end up getting shafted and that I'm just so damn tired of the hassle. But of course, instead of them helping me try to work my way through my own emotions, they decided they were going to try and help me solve my therapist crisis. That just pissed me off even more because their suggestion was to see a therapist at their office. It's bad enough I have to travel as far as I do to go to this damn group, I don't want to have to travel that far just to see a fucking therapist.

I've been keeping quite busy despite my body's desire to just stay in bed all day every day. Trying to get my daughter registered for school and all. We did manage to get some of the paperwork done yesterday, dropped more off today and now tomorrow we have to actually register her and find out what classes she'll be in. Got all her school supplies, though we had the wrong list at first so we had to exchange a bunch of items. Found out yesterday there's yet another supply list for the advanced classes so if she makes it in, we'll have to make another exchange.

What else have we done....went to the social security office Monday. That was good and bad news. On the good side is the fact that I'll get an additional amount each month for my daughter. The bad side of that is they expect me to spend it all on her or save it in an account for her. I have to keep track of where the money goes because they'll send me a letter at the end of the year & I have to account for where it all went. They said I could just estimate how much I spent on her for clothing, food, shelter, etc. But with my luck, they'd ask for proof of where it all went.

Nothing is ever easy is it??


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