Saturday, August 07, 2004

Head feels strange again

My head feels strange again today, as if my skull is empty. Emotionally numb and feeling a little dizzy all day. I wanted to stay in bed all day, but that's no longer an option unless I feign being sick. Fortunately I didn't have anything planned today so I never even bothered getting out of my pajamas.

I'm still raging about the whole therapy situation. Keep thinking that it is just me. These things always happen to me. What am I doing wrong? Again it seems that life is just far more complicated for me than it is for everyone else. I know that some of the things that happen are not within my control, and I know that life isn't always easy, but nothing ever seems to be easy for me. NOTHING.

Wish I could just shrug all this crap off and not let it bother me. For a long time I tried to do that but then realized I wasn't really letting go of it. I'd just give the illusion that it didn't bother me so those around me would think I was ok, but I was just letting it all fester on the inside. I can't do that any more. I spend so much time hiding the depression from my daughter and everyone else so I don't get locked up again that I can't contain the rage as well. It just explodes out of control and everyone is very aware that I'm pissed off.

People understand anger, it's the constant depression they don't want to deal with. I don't want to deal with it either but it's always there. Just put on a happy face and no one notices the pain and sadness that permeate my entire being. It's just so hard to fake it these days. Used to be so good at it.

I'm seriously considering going on an MAOI when I see my pdoc next. If I end up eating or drinking something I'm not supposed to and it kills me, at least people might consider that an accident. Of course with my luck, I'd probably just end up a vegetable or something. I'm not lucky enough to die.


Post a Comment

<< Home