Monday, August 23, 2004

Things keep getting worse

Things just keep getting worse, makes me wonder why I'm still fighting for life. I've had 3 more panic attacks since last night and the depression I've been fighting to keep contained has gripped me hard again. I've had no energy at all today. I'm so depressed I was actually able to take a nap today. I wanted to spend the day in bed, but with the kiddie here, that just isn't an option. I'm hoping she makes friends at school rather quickly. That way she'll have someone else to spend time with besides just me.

I had a nightmare the other night that is still haunting me. It was so horrific I can't even bring myself to write what it was about. I've been told my nightmares don't mean anything, but it's so hard to just ignore them when the people & places in them are so familiar and such violence is involved. I feel sick to my stomach every time I close my eyes because thoughts of that nightmare keep flooding back. I want to erase it from my memory but haven't a clue how to do that.

I'm beginning to think this Lithium shit is causing all my current problems. I decided to take it. I figure it's not every day you get a psychiatrist that apparently agrees you're incurable and is willing to help you die, I may as well go along with his plan. I just hope the end isn't this gradual. I hope as I continue to take this stuff things progress much more quickly then they are right now. I'm even trying to help it along by taking ibuprofen for my sore jaw. Not sure what's causing the pain, it started shortly after I started taking the Lithium, but I do know that ibuprofen should not be taken with the Lithium. Of course neither my pdoc or the pharmacist told me this info, I read about it online.


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