Pdoc visit didn't go well

My visit with the pdoc didn't go very well today. I think if I had walked out of his office like I wanted to, he would have had me locked up. I told him I only wanted to take the Seroquel to help me sleep. At first he thought I wanted to stay on all my current meds, but I told him that the Seroquel is all I wanted to take. Told him we haven't had any luck with any of the other meds and I was getting tired of trying.

He offered the MAOI again, but I said no. This time he asked why so I told him that I know I would just use it to deliberately harm myself. I don't think he liked that answer. He takes notes on his computer while he's meeting with me and spent quite a bit of time typing, more than usual. One of these days I'll ask to read my chart. I'd love to know what he's saying about me.

Anyway, he offered to put me on Lithium and/or Zyprexa (think that's how it's spelled). That's when I told him I didn't want to try anything else. He told me he's not giving up on me even if I want to give up on myself. I eventually agreed to take the Lithium so I could get out of there. I'm none too thrilled about taking it because everyone I know that's ever taken it said it made them sick. Of course I don't have to take it, he'd never know. I didn't make another appointment with him before I left, so I could just drop out of sight and he'd probably never notice.

I told him about the bullshit with the therapist. He said that he couldn't keep me on meds if I wasn't going to therapy. Told him it wasn't my fault, it's their fucked up system that has left me without a therapist. So he told his nurse that I had severe depression that hasn't been responding to treatment and that I'm still suicidal. He asked her to have me fill out a release so she could call them and see if there was anything she could do to get me in to another therapist immediately.

She tried calling while I was there, but only got voice mail. She didn't want me to leave until we could talk to the pdoc again. I insisted that I didn't want to stick around. Guess him telling her I was suicidal made her think that if she couldn't get a hold of anyone that he would admit me. I was nice and at least took her card. She said if I didn't hear back from her by tomorrow to call. I won't call though.

I'm so fucking tired of trying. I'd rather just wing it on my own at this point. I'd stay on the Seroquel because without it I'd never sleep and if the pdoc won't prescribe just that, then I'd just take it til my refills run out. After that, if I never sleep again, I never sleep again. I'm sure sooner or later I'd get too damn exhausted to keep my eyes open any more.