Saturday, August 21, 2004

Up til 3 am

Was up until 3 am last night, or technically this morning. Couldn’t get to sleep again. What I wouldn’t do to be able to sleep like I used to. Just put my head on the pillow and pass out. I’d be out so cold most nights that I didn’t even remember dreaming at all. What I like best was that it was real, natural sleep…not this drug induced coma that I have to deal with now. Takes forever for me to fall asleep and then once I do, I need to sleep at least 12 hours to get the meds out of my system or I feel drugged all day.

It’s really going to suck in a week because I’ll have to be up at 8:30 am to drive my daughter to school. Being that we are in a new neighborhood, I don’t feel safe letting her walk there on her own. It’s not even conceivable that I’d get to bed at 8:30 pm to get the 12 hours. So my options are…1) Don’t take any meds and never sleep; 2) Reduce the dosage and probably only get 4 or less hours of sleep a night; or 3) Stay at the same dose and hope I wake up in time and/or hope I don’t crash the car because I’m so groggy and disoriented.

Guess it’s going to have to be option 2 because they other ones just aren’t viable. Can’t tell my pdoc I lowered the dose because I’ve already been taking half the dose I’m supposed to. Now I have to cut it in half again. Of course, I have yet to decide if I even plan to go back to the guy anyway.

I talked with my sister today and told her about the Lithium situation. She thinks I should just call my doctor and ask him what’s up. Try and get an explanation from him on why he prescribed medication for me and didn’t tell me the important details about it. My mind on the other hand keeps telling me to just quit seeing him. We’ve locked horns on several issues in the past, and I just think that this is more proof that he just isn’t the pdoc for me.

I wouldn’t bother finding someone new to replace him. I really don’t want to go through more bullshit. I know that without meds though I would head into that downward death spiral and wouldn’t want to stop it. Even though I’m not seeing much improvement in the depression with the meds, it has been helping to quell the suicidal voice a little bit. Of course this contradicts the other thought in my head that I need to stay alive for my daughter. Again with the fucking battle.

If only I could go back 13 years, to that moment I found out I was pregnant. As much as I love her, I would have taken a much different path had I been able to see my future back then. I never would have had her, and in turn I would no longer be here.


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