Friday, August 27, 2004

Tattoo the word idiot on my forehead

I need to have the word idiot tattooed on my forehead. I'm such a fucking idiot sometimes that I can't even believe it myself.

The ex called again today. This time it was to ask if he could borrow $200. Apparently he failed to pay his car insurance for a couple of months and now they're threatening to cancel his policy if he doesn't pay them immediately. At least that's the story he fed me. I'm an idiot because I actually gave him the money. He says he'll pay me back by next week, but I have a feeling he'll come up with some excuse why he can't. He'll say some other bill is screwed up and he needs to pay that instead of paying me.

Why can't I ever say no to this man? Can't seem to set any boundaries when it comes to him. He can't handle anything financially because his spending far exceeds his income. He's always been like that. But we're not together any's not supposed to be my problem. I hate myself for not being able to say no to him. I may have money in the bank right now because of the back payment I got for the disability, but I don't have any to be giving to him. Half of what I have has to be spent on our daughter or put into an account for her. The other half I need to use for my stuff, actually "our" stuff. I guess I'm going to have to pay for our bankruptcy because I know he'll never have the money to pay for it, same goes for the divorce. I would also like to pay my sister back at least a little bit for paying most all of my bills, including rent, after he left and I lost my job.

Yet this asshole asks for money and I give it to him. Didn't even hesitate. I'm going to have to punish myself for this one. Here I thought he was the loser, but it's really me.


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