Ended up calling the pdoc

I ended up calling my pdoc yesterday. As much as I hate the man, I just can't bring myself to switch to someone new. Probably because I know I'll have the same problems with anyone.

Anyway, I called him because I've been in pretty bad shape this past week. The depression has been so bad it feels as if I'm not taking any medications even though I take 8 pills a day. He suggested I go back on the Paxil he said I could stop taking last week. He said I should feel some relief from the Lithium within the next week. I told him that I'd better feel something within a week or I'll be dead. He said if things get that bad I should bring myself to the hospital. I just laughed and told him that was not an option. I voluntarily admitted myself twice, was involuntarily admitted 3 times...they don't do anything for you at the hospital except treat you like a prisoner.

Fearing that I was going to say something I probably shouldn't, I told him I'd take the Paxil again and basically hung up on him. I was still panicky for about 5 hours after the conversation, worried that he was gonna send the cops over to bring me in.

So after that, I get a call from the ex that he's coming over. Once again he's telling me he wants to die, that he's screwed up his life and the lives of everyone around him and he can't deal with it anymore. I really don't need this from him right now. Actually, I don't ever need this from him, I have my own issues with wanting to die and I really don't care about his problems anymore, he walked out on our marriage. He kept telling me how he wished he had never left me and how sorry he was. I think he wants me to take him back, but I don't think I ever could.

I'd love to go off on the asshole. Ask him why he insists on coming to me with this crap. He made his choices, regardless of how any one else felt and without thinking any of them through, and now he has to suffer the consequences. It's not my problem. But then I think, it really is my problem if he does kill himself. I'm the mother of his child. I'll be the one trying to hold that girl together if daddy dies. So I end up listening to all his bullshit and trying to offer reasonable advice even though I want nothing more than to say you made your bed, now you have to lie in it.