Friday, August 27, 2004

Ended up calling the pdoc

I ended up calling my pdoc yesterday. As much as I hate the man, I just can't bring myself to switch to someone new. Probably because I know I'll have the same problems with anyone.

Anyway, I called him because I've been in pretty bad shape this past week. The depression has been so bad it feels as if I'm not taking any medications even though I take 8 pills a day. He suggested I go back on the Paxil he said I could stop taking last week. He said I should feel some relief from the Lithium within the next week. I told him that I'd better feel something within a week or I'll be dead. He said if things get that bad I should bring myself to the hospital. I just laughed and told him that was not an option. I voluntarily admitted myself twice, was involuntarily admitted 3 times...they don't do anything for you at the hospital except treat you like a prisoner.

Fearing that I was going to say something I probably shouldn't, I told him I'd take the Paxil again and basically hung up on him. I was still panicky for about 5 hours after the conversation, worried that he was gonna send the cops over to bring me in.

So after that, I get a call from the ex that he's coming over. Once again he's telling me he wants to die, that he's screwed up his life and the lives of everyone around him and he can't deal with it anymore. I really don't need this from him right now. Actually, I don't ever need this from him, I have my own issues with wanting to die and I really don't care about his problems anymore, he walked out on our marriage. He kept telling me how he wished he had never left me and how sorry he was. I think he wants me to take him back, but I don't think I ever could.

I'd love to go off on the asshole. Ask him why he insists on coming to me with this crap. He made his choices, regardless of how any one else felt and without thinking any of them through, and now he has to suffer the consequences. It's not my problem. But then I think, it really is my problem if he does kill himself. I'm the mother of his child. I'll be the one trying to hold that girl together if daddy dies. So I end up listening to all his bullshit and trying to offer reasonable advice even though I want nothing more than to say you made your bed, now you have to lie in it.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

It sounds like you have a lot of problems and want to blame everyone but YOURSELF. I think people that use the "depression" excuse are too afraid to take responsiblity for their own actions and want someone to prescribe medication for them so they can use it as a crutch to get through their pathetic life.

You need to get off all the medication and get a clue about living your life in a normal way so you don't mess up your kid with the attitude you have.

10:40 AM, August 27, 2004  
Blogger Gatekeepers4 said...

obviouslty that dumbfuck who posted a comment before me has no idea about mental illness. I totally can relate to the pdoc issues. Mine is a freakin idiot...but it is my therapist tthat are worse they are always "contracting safety". damn it pisses me off a lot tho......ok well I just wanted to say Hi come visit my site u will see that I am messed up.

3:06 PM, August 27, 2004  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. It looks like losers stick together....

5:32 PM, August 27, 2004  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...

I'm guessing you've never suffered from severe depression because I can tell you it's certainly not just an excuse. Think maybe you should do a little homework and learn what depression really is.

As for my daughter, I've managed to do pretty well so far despite my own problems. She is probably one of the most well-adjusted, happy, normal kids out there...and that is the opinion of everyone that knows her, not just mine. Even if I get nothing out of therapy for myself, I do use what I learn to teach her the right way of doing things.

I appreciate your comments. Everyone has their own opinion and whether I agree with it or not, I'm curious to read them all.

8:49 PM, August 27, 2004  

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