Monday, August 30, 2004

Sleep didn't go well last night

Sleep didn't go well last night. Kept waking up for no apparent reason. Hopefully I'll be extra tired tonight and sleep better. Thankfully I had several panic attacks before I went to sleep instead of in the middle of the night. They are much worse when I wake up with them.

Tonight I have my appointment with the new therapist. That might explain why my anxiety is so high today. I'm trying to keep an open mind and tell myself things will be ok. I do want them to be ok, but given my current depressive state, I have no idea how I'm going to react to this woman tonight. I have no idea if she has worked with someone with borderline before. I know my last therapist hadn't so she kept saying things that were triggering. Sad but true, people have to walk on eggshells around us borderlines. Actually they shouldn't have to. We're the ones with the problem, not those around us.

I've decided to work on starving myself again. It's been about six months since I last did it, but the meds I've been on have made me gain too much weight. It's disgusting to see myself in the mirror, this is the fattest I've ever been. I got on the scale today and almost puked when I saw how heavy I am. I'm going to keep exercising like I have been as well, 2 hours a day minimum, except I'll do more strenuous exercises. Need to burn all this fat off. Hardest meal to get out of is dinner, since dad cooks for all of us. I'll just tell him I'm not very hungry and only put a little food on my plate. They usually get so wrapped up in watching tv that I don't think they'll notice if I don't actually eat anything.


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