Saturday, September 25, 2004

Having the weirdest thoughts

I've had the weirdest thoughts running through my head all day, not sure why. I keep thinking back to October when my old pdoc called 911 on me. Keep playing the whole scene out in my mind over and over. Keep seeing all the cops and firefighters all over, some looking up to my apartment, calling my name. Had to have been at least 20 emergency personnel there. Still find it odd that there were so many people there, must have been a slow night I guess.

Can't figure out why I keep thinking about it. It was certainly memorable, but I'd rather not relive it. There's a lot of anger associated with that event and it is very triggering. Those thoughts are probably what's been driving my anxiety today. Leg has been shaking nonstop since I got up. Never took any meds to help with the anxiety cuz being the idiot I am, all I could think was that maybe by shaking so much I was burning calories since I didn't bother to work out today. My mind works in strange ways I tell ya.

Had a conversation with the ex yesterday. Think I need to address the issue of us splitting up with my therapist. Don't think I've dealt with that whole situation and the feelings associated with it, in fact I know I haven't. Think I still harbour some strange, sadistic thought deep down that we'll actually reconcile one day. Even told him that yesterday like an ass. Finally did tell him he has no right to be asking me for sex though (get to pat myself on the back for setting a boundary with him).

Just talking to him brought back a lot of emotions I'd shoved away inside. First time that's happened since probably a year ago. Most times I can just talk to him as if he were just a friend who just happens to be the father of my child. No emotional attachment even enters into the equation. Not sure what made yesterday so different. Almost broke into tears, but I was able to stifle them. Don't want to boost his ego by thinking I'm still pining away for him when I'm really not. Most days the only time I even mention his name is to remind the kidlet to call her daddy.

Still haven't gotten much sleep. Woke up several times last night even though I took an extra dose of Seroquel. I remember when this stuff used to knock me out cold. Suppose I should be happy that it still helps me get any sleep at all. Maybe I do have unrealistic expectations out of everything in life like I've been told. Never thought I did, but maybe its true.


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