Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Got out of the house

Got out of the house for a bit this morning. Ran some errands that I'd been putting off. Thought maybe I'd feel a little bit better if I didn't sit around all day doing pretty much nothing, but so far I still feel empty and dead inside. Not really depressed or suicidal, not really feeling anything at all.

Been thinking about my birthday next month. A year ago I had planned to kill myself on my birthday. Would have succeeded too if my sister & friend Ms. B hadn't shown up the day before and insisted I go to the hospital with them or they'd call 911 and forcibly have me committed. After that, I swore I would never celebrate my birthday again. That day is just an agonizing reminder that I was brought into a world I now so desperately want to escape from.

I know my family will want to do something for my birthday, so I'm not sure how to tell them I'd prefer they didn't. Suppose I could just come out and say it, but I'm afraid they'll ask why and I really don't want to explain myself. Still got a few weeks so I've got enough time to figure out how I'll handle it.

The urge to cut is getting overwhelming. Probably because I haven't acted on it. When I was driving home today I passed by the hardware store. Wanted to go in and buy more razor blades, but I refused to let myself turn in there. I know there are some blades here in the house for when I can't fight the urge any longer. I always keep a stash. I even had one on me when I was in the hospital that they didn't find. Even though I was raging like mad in there, I kept myself from using it. Knew if I did, or if they found it, I'd have been in there even longer than I was.


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