Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Need to start giving myself credit

Ms. S told me yesterday that I need to start giving myself credit for getting out of bed each day, even if I look at it as just something I have to do, not something I have the choice to do. She said given my depression, it is an accomplishment and that I am making a choice to be a good parent by making sure my daughter gets to and from school each day.

I know she's trying to get me to change my thinking patterns. Trying to get me to challenge the validity of my thoughts. However, it feels as if though I'd just be lying to myself and where's the sense in that? Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...damn am I screwy in the head.

We also talked a little bit about my needing to be perfect. That it basically is unrealistic for anyone to strive for perfection because no one in the world can obtain that level of absolution, we all have flaws. I did finally realize where the need to be perfect came from. As a kid I was never good enough in any area of my life, never received approval or acknowledgement that I'd done a good job from my parents or anyone else around me. At some point I decided I needed to be perfect in order to gain the approval I so desperately longed for. I tried to give it to myself, but when everyone is telling you that you're nothing, you're worthless...after awhile, you can't help but believe it's true.

All these thought distortions people have been trying to point out to me are so ingrained into who I am as a person, it seems impossible that I'll ever be able to change them. How do you challenge all these beliefs people are now telling you are wrong when you've spent your whole life being told they were the truth? If what I'm told is true, and my life is essentially made up of all these falsehoods & distortions I was told and learned to believe, then anything I ever thought I knew about myself is wrong.

There is so much fear, anxiety and even anger inside me. How do I start over?


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