Sunday, October 03, 2004

Mood is holding steady

My mood has been holding steady at a mildly depressed state. I can feel all this tension below the surface though. Building and building until something triggers an eruption. Wish I knew how to let it out a little at a time instead of having it all come out in one raging explosion. I wonder how "normal" people handle their emotions. How do they identify and work through them in a healthy way.

Ms. S asked me during our last therapy appointment if I was worried about digging deep inside myself and addressing issues from my past. Letting out the emotions I'd never allowed myself to feel. Told her I was scared shitless to do it and that I wasn't sure I'd be able to.

I don't know if it is a good idea to dig into the past. While I know that what I suffered through as a child helped make me the person I am today, I don't see how reliving the abuse by talking about it is helpful. I know my promiscuity was a result of the sexual abuse. I know the physical abuse made me afraid to trust anyone. I know the verbal abuse made me feel I was worthless and didn't deserve to live. I just don't know how to take what I know and make things better for myself.


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