Sunday, October 17, 2004

Pulling an all-niter

Think I'm pulling an all-niter tonight. I'm too afraid to go to sleep when I'm all alone in the house. Paranoid that a fire will start or someone will try and break in. Of course the fact that I've been drinking only exacerbates the paranoia.

I've only had 6 beers so far, so I'm only mildly buzzed. Don't think I'll drink too much more. Trying not to over do it. Just seems like the longer I drink, the faster these beer bottles seem to empty. Go and grab one, take a few chugs and then reach for it again & it's empty.

It'll be good not to sleep actually. The weird dreams have returned. Suppose I should be thankful that they aren't the night terrors I usually have. They're just very bizarre this time. Only one I remember was from a few days ago. I dreamt that I felt something strange in my ear. I start pulling on something and it turns out to be hair. I keep pulling and more hair just keep coming out of my ear...kind of like when I clean the shower drain out. It was very odd to say the least.

I did read online that the Lamictal can effect dreams, so maybe that's what's causing them. I can't remember if the night terrors were coming while I was on Lamictal before. Maybe they were.

I was getting very depressed this morning because of my memory loss. I was trying to remember back to when my daughter was different ages. Nothing was happening though. I thought about the different videos and pictures we have of her and tried to remember back to when those were taken and I couldn't. I have no recollection of them at all. Can't remember what it was like to hold her as a baby, can't remember any of her firsts like walking, talking, going to school...all the details are gone. It's as if someone has locked those memories inside my head, just out of my reach. I can feel they're still there, I just can't access them. Can't figure out how to break in and let them out. It's frustrating as hell.

I'm seeing and hearing things again too. I worry sometimes that I'm psychotic or even schizophrenic when that happens. But I only hear strange noises that I find out aren't really there or I see shadows out of the corner of my eye, like there are rodents scurrying past. The other day I was scared shitless because not only did I see a shadow, it also felt as if something had rubbed up against my arm. Nothing was there of course, but it took awhile for that to register in my brain.

Not sure if my brain is just slowly deteriorating or if all the meds are causing these things. Just wish it would all stop.


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