Blogger fixed their problem

I see blogger finally fixed their little problem regarding the number of posts on a blog. Of course I was shocked to see that I've written 63 of these dang things already after seeing it stuck on 38 posts for weeks. I'd hate to go back and see what some of them say. Probably sit in astonishment at what was written, just like I do when I go back and read my handwritten journals because I don't remember ever writing most of it.

I found a borderline site today, one I hadn't seen before. I watched Girl, Interrupted earlier and it put me in the mood to do some more reading on the subject. http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/bpd.html

The things that I liked most were the following excerpts:

active passivity (tendency to be passive when confronted with a problem and actively seek a rescuer) vs apparent competence (appearing to be capable when in reality internally things are falling apart)

impaired ego integration - a diffuse and internally contradictory concept of self. Kernberg is quoted as saying, "Borderlines can describe themselves for five hours without your getting a realistic picture of what they're like."

borderlines have problems with object constancy in people -- they read each action of people in their lives as if there were no prior context; they don't have a sense of continuity and consistency about people and things in their lives. They have a hard time experiencing an absent loved one as a loving presence in their minds. They also have difficulty seeing all of the actions taken by a person over a period of time as part of an integrated whole, and tend instead to analyze individual actions in an attempt to divine their individual meanings. People are defined by how they lasted interacted with the borderline.

Think those three accurately describe parts of me, words I haven't been able to find on my own. I may print that page out for my therapist and highlight the items I think she should be aware of. She obviously has no experience whatsoever in working with borderlines. Hopefully providing her with some info will help make our visits go a little more smoothly, especially that last line...since that came up in our last visit.

As for the movie, I watch it fairly regularly. Told my daughter I'd ask for it for Xmas because every time I rent it she says "Not that movie AGAIN!" Don't think she's ever watched it. Think it's a bit more than she can comprehend.

Every time I watch it, I find something new that I can relate to. Today it was seeing Winona Ryder's character constantly journaling. I do that when I'm in the hospital. Constantly writing, trying to make sense of the thoughts in my head, wondering if my view of the world around me is truly reality or just some distorted nonsense my mind has come to believe on its own. I also make notations about the people that are locked up with me, making observations about their behaviors and trying to "diagnosis" their problems. I always keep the journals with me though. Never let them out of my sight for a minute. Even sleep with them under my pillow so as not to give anyone the chance opportunity to sneak a peek inside.

Paranoia isn't always such a bad thing. Sometimes it protects you from getting hurt, or from you hurting others.