Friday, October 29, 2004

Another crappy night

Last night sucked ass. I wasn't able to take my Seroquel so I didn't sleep at all. Now my anxiety is in high gear and the thoughts are just racing by in my head. The anxiety is causing all this nervous energy, yet I'm too tired to do anything to burn it off.

I did tell Belinda yesterday I'd still go out with her tonight. Even though I feel crappy, I gave her my word and now I have to stick by it. I want nothing more than to cancel, take a handful of Seroquel and sleep for a week. But I made a commitment and it's not in me to back out.

I spent most of the night thinking about the comment someone made to my last post. You'd think it would be helpful to know others are suffering from this disorder. Guess I just feel so disconnected from the world that it hasn't made one bit of difference. None of the people I'm around on a daily basis have a clue as to what I go through because of this disorder. Add the severe depression & anxiety disorder and it's a wonder how I even get out of bed most days.

Maybe I just need to find someone I can talk to that can honestly say "I know just how you feel". Someone that can provide validation to what I'm feeling, instead of all these people that are just telling me I'm wrong all the time. I know I'm not well and my thinking is distorted, I don't constantly need to be reminded of it. I want someone to acknowledge that what I'm feeling is real because they feel it too. Someone I can connect with so I know that I'm not alone and I'm not crazy.

I probably should go to the BPD chat room more often, but I always seem to go at the wrong time and no one's there. When there are people there though, it doesn't seem like anyone really talks much about this disorder and how it effects them, least not the times when I've gone in there. Maybe if I went more often I'd see the room in a different light.

The other problem I have is with making the connection that there is a real person on the other side of the font. Even though I know that's the case, it's hard to make that register in my head. All I see are just words on a screen. In person, you can hear the emotion in a person's can tell if someone really understands or not.

Ok..I just read back through my post and I'm not sure any of this makes sense. Seems like everything in my head is zooming past at 1000 mph, and I can't focus. Can't get the thoughts out properly. Guess I should stop before I confuse myself.


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