The "to do" list still isn't done

I didn't accomplish all the things on my "to do" list again today, but I did get 4 things done. Suppose that's better than nothing. Guess I'll see if I can finally complete the list tomorrow. As far as I can remember, I don't have anything else going on tomorrow...nothing is marked on the calendar.

The noise in my head is getting out of control again. All the voices, all the music..it never stops. I actually considered grabbing the power drill yesterday and driving it into my head to make it all stop. I can't concentrate, can't sleep. I just don't understand why. I never had this problem in the past. Why did it all of a sudden seem to appear out of nowhere last year and why won't it go away?

I'm trying to remember what me and Ms. J talked about today, but I'm drawing a complete blank. It's almost as if I was never there, but I know I showed up for my appointment. I know she wanted me to ask my pdoc about Depakote. Only remember that because she wrote the name down for me. Oh, she also asked me if I wanted to switch pdocs again. She keeps asking that every time I go. Told her I haven't even considered that as an option. My pdoc is the only constant I've had so far in my battle with my brain. Therapist keeps changing, hospitals I'm sent to keep changing, the DBT group changed on me. I need stability, I need consistency. All these changes are more than I can handle and adjust to right now.

As for my pdoc, I think he's as frustrated as I am that nothing has worked yet. Today he offered up a medication called Provigil. Said it was a histamine that was originally used to treat narcolepsy. He told me it would help with my lack of energy, help give me a boost so I could stay awake. I told him I didn't have a problem staying awake, I'm awake too much as it is. I finally just said whatever, give me the prescription, because I just don't have the strength to argue with the guy.

Took the prescription to the pharmacy and of course, just my luck...Medicaid doesn't cover it. I haven't called my pdoc to tell him. I'll add that to my list of shit to do tomorrow. I don't know where to go from here. Feel like I've run into a dead end as far as medications go. Maybe I should just stop taking them all and get my system cleared out.