Monday, November 15, 2004

Someone take my uterus...please

Wonder when they'll get around to doing womb transplants. I'd give mine up in a heartbeat to someone else that is going to get some use out of it. So sick of these horrific cramps each month. Why couldn't I have been born a guy??

Today I'm raging and I even know why. Got a letter from the public aid office saying my Medicaid is going to be cancelled as of Dec. 1st because "we have been unable to locate you & are unable to determine your continued eligibility". What the fuck?? I've called and left messages and the fucks never call me back. So I called and left yet another message, without getting nasty even. Figure I'll wait until I talk to someone live before I go off on the fucks otherwise, they probably won't ever call me back. If I don't hear from them by noon tomorrow, I'm leaving another message. Then I'll leave another one at 4pm and just keep leaving messages til they actually do return one of my calls.

I did manage to be a little productive today. Finally balanced my checkbook. Was worried I'd be missing receipts since I hadn't done it since my September statement. Did balance on the first try though, thank gawd. That was one of seven tasks I had on my "to do" list for today. The checkbook & calling public aid were the only two I got done. Leaves me with seven more things to do tomorrow because in addition to the 5 tasks I didn't complete today, I have both therapy & pdoc apptmts tomorrow.

Think I'll shower tonight. The kiddie was just playing with my hair and asked when the last time I showered was cuz it's all greasy. I showered on Saturday I think. Hasn't been too many days. I was too exhausted to do it yesterday and I just didn't have the time yet today. I don't know. Showering just isn't on my list of priorities anymore. I only have a small amount of energy to expend most days that it isn't worth wasting on getting clean when I'm not leaving the house.

I keep looking at this phone number a woman gave me during my last hospital stay. She wanted to keep in touch and go out for coffee sometime. I keep wanting to call her, but there's a reluctance holding me back. I feel reluctant to leave the house, reluctant to try and make a new friend when I'm still feeling so depressed....probably also fearful that I actually might enjoy myself, as crazy as that sounds. It's so hard to think back and remember what it feels like to enjoy myself. Even though I know I just had some joy in my life, even if it was for less than a day, I can't recall how it felt. I should just make myself call her. Wonder if she'd even remember who I was since it's been two months.

10 more days til Thanksgiving. I'm going to start telling myself now that I can handle this. I can handle all the noise, all the people that will be here. Maybe if I start telling myself that now, I won't have a panic attack when the day finally arrives.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I go through the same thing every Christmas.Our entire family comes down,our house is packed for a week and Im getting sick to my stomach just thinking about it.Luckily Ive got a bottle of vodka stashed away for the occasion.Thankfully that bitch my brothers married to wont be coming this year,she stoled a hundred dollars from me one Christmas and part of it was the money that she gave to me as a present for God sakes. I hate Christmas! I cant understand why they wont approve your medicare,Ive been on it for a year now and I hope to be on it while longer. How long have you been on it and what reason did they give you for not being qualified? T.M.

11:22 PM, November 15, 2004  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...

I've been on Medicaid, not Medicare. I don't qualify for Medicare until I've been on disability for 3 years. I've been on Medicaid since January and they're just dicking me around right now. They're saying they're going to cancel it on me because I didn't turn in the paperwork I was supposed to. I did try to go to their office, which is more than an hours drive away, but it was closed for the election. They should have transferred my file to a closer office (the one that is only 10 mins away) in April when I moved, and it's ridiculous that they expect me to keep going out there when they are the ones not doing their job. I've left several messages and no one's calling me back, even the supervisor isn't calling me back. I talked to a manager at the closer office and he said the other office didn't even respond to his request to transfer my file either. He said he'd go to the top administrator and have them rectify the situation. I just hope it's before December. I can't afford to be without insurance.

6:58 PM, November 16, 2004  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry your right, I meant medicaid not medicare I always get them confused. Thanks for the info. T.M.

12:02 AM, November 17, 2004  

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