Wednesday, November 17, 2004

One of those days

Some days it just isn't worth it to get out of bed. Today was one of those days. I'm just very down today and on the verge of tears. Doing the same old thing of trying to stop them from coming because I'm not sure I'd be able to stop them once they start.

I remembered something else Ms. J and I talked about yesterday. Came to mind while I was trying to fall asleep last night. I'd mentioned my previous plan of giving myself until February before I checked out. She seemed to focus in on how I planned to do it. I told her I didn't have a plan set up, just a general date. She didn't believe me of course, which makes her smarter than most of my past therapists. But I know the system, I know they can and will lock you up if you mention you have a plan, even if you have no intention of going through with it until a later date, so I didn't tell her anything.

I'm still holding on right now. Still wanting to find that missing piece of the puzzle. The one that will pull everything together and have it all make sense. The piece that will help me to come to an acceptance that there is hope, that things can be better. Problem is, no one has been able to tell me how to find that piece or even where to look for it and I'm completely clueless on how to find it on my own.

I feel like I've fallen into a black hole. I'm consumed by the darkness around me, desperately trying to find some flicker of light that isn't there. All I feel is the painful ache from the emptiness inside me and wonder what I need to fill that void. Some sense of identity? Happiness? A will to live? A connection with the world around me? I don't know what I need, maybe I need all those things and more.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im so sorry you feel like this I really hope you never actually atempt to take your life. Your not worthless and your daughter needs you, you cant do that to yourself or to her. I have to admit that Ive had those thoughts myself many times and Im not sure why Ive never done it,I guess Im just to scared. After my grandmother died Ive been doing a lot of thinking about death and what happens after we die you see I was raised as a christian although not a very good one.Its very hard under the cercumstances and I always have to repent constantly for losing my temper or flying into a rage so I just gave up. But lately Ive been thinking about it again,what if I die a sinner and go to hell,just the possibility of it scares me to death. My aunt said not to worry about it that everybody goes to heaven but shes a drunken mess and sleeps with a lot of men she has no interest in God and shes completly miserable.My parents are very good christians,they prey often and go to church,thier so happy and fullfilled,I want to feel like that. What are your beliefs and do you believe in God? T.M.

11:32 PM, November 17, 2004  

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