Saturday, November 27, 2004

Keeping fingers crossed I don't hurl again

Just ate and so far so good keeping it all down. Against my better judgement, I'm having a beer. My head is so screwed up right now I'm hoping this will calm things down. Course the last beer I had, which was on Thanksgiving, I only was able to drink about half the bottle before the taste became nauseating; so I doubt I'll be drinking to excess tonight.

Once again, the stupid fuckhead had a reason why he couldn't come pick his daughter up. I swear this ass has an excuse for everything. If I didn't know him so well, I may be tempted to actually believe some of them. But I think they're all just lies. This week it is because he's in the new house and the basement isn't finished. Of course if that is the case, and he really wants to use that as an excuse, I guess he won't ever be picking her up to spend the night again until spring. The whole rest of the house is finished, not sure what having an unfinished basement has to do with seeing his daughter...but hey, I'm not the stupid fuckhead here. Gawd only knows what runs between that man's skull except air.

I'm pissed as hell at the whole situation. He's off fucking around and I have all the responsibility. Yes I wanted the kidlet to live with me because I love her dearly and because I knew he was incapable of devoting the time to her that he should, but I just never expected that he'd basically abandon her and only see her when he feels like it, or if it fits into his social calendar. FUCK!!! The stupid fuckhead!!!

I know someone commented previously, when I was complaining about basically being a single mother, that we have to do what's best for our kids and sometimes one parent is better than two. That's logical, but it doesn't make the situation any easier to deal with. I'm barely hanging on by a thread myself. Being a single parent is hard enough, but being a single parent that is mentally ill and trying to hang on to life at the same time is a million times harder.

I didn't have high expectations of him. I figured he probably wouldn't give me any child support. But I was relying on him to take her on the weekends, so he could still be involved in her life, spend quality time with her and so I could have some down time to deal with my demons. Hell, I even figured he wouldn't take her every weekend...but at least once a month, maybe twice would be nice. I'm lucky if he spends more than 4 hours with her one Sunday a month. Stupid fuckhead!

Guess I'll stop bitching about the stupid fuckhead. Can't change the situation...just have to learn to accept that this is how it's going to be.


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