Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Think I'm dying

I think I'm dying...seriously. Probably have cancer that has metastasized to my bones. Would explain why I've been so sick and other disturbing symptoms that have been coming up. Last night I had excruciating pain in the bones in my foot. As if though it were radiating outward from the marrow. Now I'm having that same pain in my arm and a couple of fingers.

Everyone keeps telling me to go to the doctor, but I'm refusing to for a number of reasons. Primarily because I don't trust them. In most of my past experiences, I've basically been told all my problems are in my head, even before I was officially dx'd as mentally ill. Some of those "in my head" problems led to me being hospitalized at a later date because the illnesses that were supposedly just an illusion were indeed very real and had become more severe.

I've lost 12 lbs in the last week from not being able to eat. Not a bad thing. Still gotta suck in the tummy in order to count my ribs, so I'm not overly skeletal yet. I did buy some of that Boost stuff last night, the nutritional energy drink. It's 360 calories for one can. Not a whole lot of calories to get thru the day, but at least it's something and there are vitamins in it as well. Better than eating solid food, which has been coming out one end or the other as fast as it goes in.

Still been having great difficulty in sleeping. Sleep for about an hour then wake up. Keep repeating that pattern the rest of the night or until I get tired of the struggle and just haul my ass out to the couch to watch tv. Been so desperate for sleep I actually took some Seroquel the last 2 nights, but it hasn't helped. Figure sooner or later I'll end up collapsing in exhaustion right? Gawd I hope so.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish you would go to the doctor Sid,just to be on the safe side but I know how feel about doctors I dont trust them much either. Maybe it has something to do with going off your meds Ive heard that can make you really sick. Im sorry your feeling so bad, physically and mentally I havnt been feeling to good myself either. I dont know what to do,Im so unhappy my meds arent working at all.Ive decided Id better try therapy,my first appointments in two weeks,if it doesnt work I just dont know what else to do. I wish the doc would give me some sedatives or something to calm my nerves Im getting so sick to my stomach about the holidays and all those people coming,my grandparents are dead and I dont want to have Christmas anyway. Im sorry if I offended you the other day talking about God and well I know some people dont like that subject very much,its just that you were talking about feeling empty inside and thats how Ive been feeling and well it was just a thought. Listen you go to the doctor okay,just in case,I dont want you to die. Ill see ya Sid. T.M

11:05 PM, November 30, 2004  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...

Good luck with therapy, hopefully it will work better for you than it has for me. I wasn't offended by your mentioning god, I just refuse to discuss the topic of religion with anyone so I didn't respond. No biggie.

10:03 AM, December 01, 2004  

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