Friday, December 03, 2004

Got the flu

It's official...I've got the flu. Not officially dying yet though, hopefully that'll follow soon. I can barely talk and I've been running a fever since last night. I'm just falling apart all over...physically, mentally & any other "ally" way there is.

I took even more Seroquel last night. Took awhile, but it did put me in a coma. Don't remember anything until the kiddie woke me up this morning. Don't feel like I slept at all, but at least I wasn't wide awake all night. Still can't figure out which is worse. As much as I need sleep, drug induced sleep isn't what I'm looking for because it's never restful and I feel more exhausted than if I'd just stayed awake. However it does give my brain that chance to shut down for awhile. Suppose I could take the Seroquel every now and then, at least til I run out. I have more than enough other pills stashed away for my rainy day, that it won't matter if I use up the Seroquel.

I got a call from one of my daughter's teachers today. I was so completely out of it that as soon as I heard her ask for "Mrs", I immediately assumed it was for my mom and told the woman she wasn't here. Didn't even realize the last name she said was mine, not my mom's. I felt like a complete idiot. Then of course, I just played along like I wasn't who she was looking for and took a message. Didn't want to say "oh duh, you're looking for me" as if I didn't know who I was. Just not used to people calling me anything but Sid. I so don't feel like a Mrs, even though technically I still am.

The woman was calling because they need chaperones for a field trip and the kiddie volunteered my name. Wouldn't be that big of a deal, it's only for about 3 hours. They're going to the mall to do Christmas music for the shoppers. Wouldn't require me to do much, just keep an eye on the kids. I probably should call her back and say I'll do it. It's just hard for me to lock myself into obligations right now. There's so much going on, plus now I've got the flu, I don't know if I'd feel well enough to go.

Still have that feeling like I want to run away. My dad has been talking to me more and more the past few days and it's driving me fucking nuts! In his mind he's always right and will just keep talking until he feels he's convinced you of that. Other times he just keeps talking for no apparent reason and keeps repeating the same thing over & over. Can't just ask you a simple question, get a simple response and move on. He has to keep talking.

It's so hard not to yell at him to go away. I really want to, but I've seen him get angry, even though it is very rare. I've seen him take my two oldest siblings by their necks with such anger I swear he would have killed them if I hadn't yelled at him to stop. I don't want that to happen to me. I can't handle his anger. I can't afford to end up homeless right now. Just keep biting my tongue to keep the peace and take it all out on myself.


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