Thursday, December 09, 2004

One week from today

I have one week left to decide what I'm doing about my pdoc. This should be an easy decision and for some reason it's not. Nothing is ever easy. All these damn contradictions screaming in my head. One minute I think I know what I want, and the next I'm clueless again. Think it's just fear of saying the wrong thing. I know I don't want to take medications anymore. But if I'm questioned about why, I run the risk of getting set off into a rage where I can't control the things I say. It's happened before and quickly spirals into a showdown between me & those trying to "help" me. I usually end up being the loser of course.

I've been able to maintain reasonably well since being off the meds. I do a lot of crying, which I find to be more of an annoyance than anything. Comes on with no warning and takes awhile for it to stop. The rage has been pretty steady. It's almost a constant now, which in some ways is better than the massive eruptions. Suicidal thoughts are still there, with more planning going on, few more details that need to be tweaked.

I think this is the way all deaths should be...well planned out. I know that's not realistic since accidents happen, but it would be ideal. I don't understand why everyone has such a problem with death...we will all die eventually. I don't see anything morbid about planning your own. I think it's an extremely wise idea. You get to take care of all the details and don't have to burden someone else with it. Maybe I'm just weird.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I totally agree with you, Sid. Maybe not such a good thing that a totally crazy person agrees. Maybe that is the first sign that it isn't the "right" thinking. I dunno. All I know is shit is getting worse, and I want out!!
BTW...how old is "the kidlet" ?
Take care for today, at least, huh?
Shannin

3:09 PM, December 10, 2004  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...

Maybe my thinking isn't right & I am crazy. It's so damn hard to judge myself that way because all my thoughts seem right to me. Only reason I even constantly question them is because so many others tell me I'm wrong. I'm beyond confused.

The kiddie is 12. She'll be 13 next month. Oh joy, a birthday party that needs to get planned immediately.

9:14 PM, December 11, 2004  

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