Crying

Think I've spent most of today crying. Grieving really. Thought maybe if I cried and tried to let go of everything I've lost, maybe I'd feel a little better. As usual, I turned out to be WRONG! I just feel even more depressed than I was when I woke up this morning. There's just too much pain inside. I've lost too many things, except the one thing I want to lose most of all...my life.

Did feel good to cry though. I could probably keep going, but it's time to move on to something else. Maybe put a movie in and veg out. Try to take my mind off everything.

The kiddie is out with the stupid fuckhead, but I suspect she'll be home soon. The stupid fuckhead asked for the $200 back he was having me hold for him. It was money to put towards the kiddie's xmas presents. He figured if he held onto it he'd spend it, so he gave it to me. I know he's not using it to buy her presents already, so I'm guessing his idea of getting her an ipod for xmas is out. Just another pipe dream of his that isn't going to become a reality.

It was bad enough when he'd come up with all these ideas about what he was going to do with his life and how he was going to make all this money so we wouldn't have to worry about the bills...all these things that I tried to support because I believed in his enthusiasm, but none of which ever materialized. Now he's using this bullshit with our daughter, but I have to draw the line. He hypes everything up, like he can truly make it happen, but never ever ever follows thru.

I learned early on to just ignore his crap because I knew none of it would become reality, but the kiddie actually believes she's getting this ipod for xmas. He took her to the store and had her pick out the one she liked best, with all the accessories. He is even insisting he's buying her the photo ipod, which is the more expensive one. She's going to be extremely disappointed when she doesn't get it. So now I'm left to wonder...do I tell her not to expect to receive it from him, do I chip in to help him buy it (if he even bothers to set aside any money to buy any gifts at all), or do I just buy it for her myself.

Personally I don't want to chip in and help him buy it. I've bailed him out of too many tight spots as it is because he can't manage his money...I need to set that boundary so he knows the First National Bank of Sid is closed. I also really don't want to buy it myself because that is much more than I wanted to spend on her, it's something like $600.

I should just tell the stupid fuckhead to buy something within his budget and stop getting the kiddie excited about stuff only to be let down in the end. To quit living beyond his means. I don't give a shit if he wants to have all these delusions of grandeur, but don't bring my daughter into the middle of them. She doesn't need to go through all those let downs. I hate the stupid fuckhead, I really do.