Sunday, December 12, 2004

Mind was wandering

As I sat playing pyramids a little bit ago, my mind was wandering off...thinking about the pdoc situation. All these different scenarios were playing in my head. Every one includes some sort of confrontation with the guy though. Why is that? Why do I feel the need to not only torture myself, but to torture him as well? Probably because I'm hurting and reached out to him for help, but he didn't help me. Is he to blame for that? Probably not, but yet I feel this uncontrollable urge to treat him horribly because of it. To make him suffer because I'm suffering.

I can feel the paranoia setting in. My mind running off on its own tangents. Linking things together that aren't necessarily related. I got a letter from the financial office for my pdoc yesterday offering me a settlement on the balance I owe. I've been paying them $40 a month and owe about $122 more. They're saying that if I pay them $91 by Christmas, they write off the other $31. Most people would be like "oh great, I get to save $31". But the voices in my head are asking why they want to make a settlement when I've been paying them? Do they want to collect as much from me as possible so that the pdoc can dump me as a patient right after? Should I dump his ass first so as not to give him the pleasure of doing it to me? I used to work in the financial office for a large physician practice ...we never made any settlement offers unless the patient wasn't paying at all and we were getting ready to send them to collections. Why are they trying to get me to settle? There has to be an ulterior motive. My brain physically hurts because it keeps trying to link together all these things that have happened over the last year with the pdoc and this letter. They probably just want to help me out because they know I'm on disability and my financial status sucks ass...but yet I can't get myself to believe that. It's never that easy. There's got to be some hidden agenda on their part and I can't figure out what.

It's a sickening feeling when the paranoia kicks in like this. I can feel it happening, yet everything the voices are telling me sounds so realistic, so truthful, that it almost doesn't feel like it's a delusion. I'm not even sure anymore if it is. Maybe I am in reality. I never seem to know anything anymore.

3 Comments:

Blogger Polar Bear said...

Hey Mass D, Really enjoy your journals. I too suffer from BPD. And blog as well:
http://polarbearblog.blogspot.com/

I truly understand how you are feeling.

7:20 PM, December 12, 2004  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sid,
This blog sounds as though I wrote it myself. I get scared to open mail or answer the phone. Why are they calling? What do they want? It can't be for any reason but to hurt me in some manner. It's shitty.
I'm curious, when you say "voices" in your head... Is it that you actually hear (outside) voices? Or is it like your brain talking to you? My brain talks to me a lot. Tells me things, like what you have described (if that doesn't sound completely crazy!). But, when they (pdocs) ask if I am/have been delusional, I say "no". Am I?
Hope you are well today.
~shannin (looneybindropout@yahoo.com)

12:47 AM, December 13, 2004  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...

I've added your blog to my list of ones I check regularly PolarBear. Thanks for reading mine.

When I say I hear voices, it's just my brain talking to me, I don't hear outside voices like a schizo would. Unfortunately it can hold several different conversations at once, which is really freaky. Like being in a crowded room and all these different groups of people are talking and you're trying to listen in on all their conversations at once.

4:36 PM, December 13, 2004  

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