Saturday, December 18, 2004

Massive panic attack

OMG...I'm having a massive panic attack. Worse than I've had in a very long time. My fingers are going numb. I can't breathe. Every muscle in my body has tensed up. I'm shaking like a muther fucker. I just took 3 Ativan so I'm hoping they kick in soon. If not, I'm taking a bunch more. I just need this to stop...NOW dammit, not later!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you having any friends or family coming for the Holidays,maybe that has something to do with it.My muscles are getting extremly tense,my chest feels so tight Im having trouble breathing.I to get that disconnecting feeling when Im around people including my family.I get very uncomfortable and this makes me even more nervous.Do you get that way around your family too or just around strangers? Do you take muscle relaxers or anything for your tension?Ive tried them and they dont work for me,alchohol is the only thing that really helps.Have you ever tried sedatives or anything like that,I cant believe they wouldnt give you anything like that with all the panic attacks your having.They wont give me any because Im too depressed,Oh well Ill just have to keep drinking then. Ill see ya later. T.M

6:19 PM, December 18, 2004  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...

There is some family coming over for the holidays, but I don't think that was the trigger because I haven't even thought about that at all. Christmas seems like it's still weeks away to me. I have no idea what triggered it. Only thing I have that I can take for those attacks is Ativan, which I'm technically not even supposed to have. I just stockpiled it from the one prescription my pdoc gave me a few months all the refills filled even though I told him it wasn't working, because it wasn't. He never learned not to add refills onto my prescriptions which is odd, because 1) most haven't worked & so a refill is pointless, especially when he sees me monthly and 2) because he knows I'm still suicidal and is it really a good idea to give me access to that much medication? Even if I stop taking a medication, I make sure I get all the refills filled. I've amassed quite a collection of pills in the last year...probably enough lethal doses to kill 20 people.

Anyway, the 3 ativan, plus 2 seroquel knocked me out fairly fast last night. Only suffered for about an hour with the panic attack.

8:25 PM, December 18, 2004  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let's hear it for ativan!!! My hero!!! I took so damn much last night and had two pretty hefty cocktails. I had a major pill hangover today. So, to get rid of that, I took a shitload more (I had to work, ya know...geez, it's not like I wanted to take more). Feelin' pretty good now. Time for nighty-night.
(Sid, I have a stockpile as well. Doesn't make sense when they know you are suicidal and drink. Then they tell you that drinking on some of the meds can kill you. Gee, it's that easy? Thanks for the info!~~~fucking morons! My crazy ass thinks, "They have done what they want to do with me and now they hate me too and want me to die. They probably want to have a client who actually did it to use as an example with future suicidal clients." Or some shit like that...I dunnno, too many pills to concentrate right now. Hope you are better tonight. Take care of you.)

2:49 AM, December 19, 2004  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...

OMG..that's exactly what my crazy ass thinks too. That they're deliberately telling me how to kill myself and helping to provide the means because they want me to die, there's nothing more they can do to help me.

3:39 AM, December 19, 2004  

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