Monday, January 03, 2005

Was only a dream

Dreamt last night that I hung myself. Too bad it was only a dream because I felt so peaceful. Woke up just as they came and pulled my body down. It was one of those vivid dreams, where you know exactly where you're at. Recognize the people you see. Guess even my subconscious mind does its own wishful thinking.

I've only considered hanging myself once. But that time I was in the hospital and my options were limited. Managed to tear my bedsheet into pieces and make a noose without anyone ever finding out. My plan was to hang myself by the showerhead or the top hinge of the bathroom door. In a moment of weakness though, after having visited with the kiddie, I gave it to the only person I've ever trusted in the whole medical intern named Jeanne. They were none too pleased to see that I had made that. Funny thing is, the hospital staff truly believes that just because you're locked up you're safe. How delusional are they??

I read through a couple of my old journals earlier and there is one comment I made in them that I can't get out of my head. "There is no one in the world you can truly rely on or trust but yourself. But what happens when you are far more dangerous to yourself than anyone else around you?" The only answer I can come up with is to get rid of yourself. So that is my plan for February 15th. Not sure why I picked that day. Just kind of popped into my head. Going for a triple...CMP, OD & SW. Want to make sure I don't fail. Actually, I'd just slit my wrists for the sheer enjoyment I get out of feeling the pain, the sicko that I am, not because it could possibly prove fatal.

Call me crazy, but sometimes you just have to do what needs to be done, whether anyone likes it or not. Like I always say, it's never been a question of if I will succumb to my illnesses, it's only been a question of when.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey, sid--
lucyber here. haven't read your blog until now, but i can relate. i read your entry about how suicide has to remain an option for some bpd folks. my therapist would fucking hate to know that's true for me, too. i've tried twice in the past 6 years and fucked up both times-- too chicken to try again. if you decide to keep your 2/15/05 appointment, just know that some of us really do stand by your decision.

11:18 AM, January 03, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

CMP? What's that? I am sorry about the horrible place you are in, though I understand. I truly hope you don't keep that appointment...I no call/no show on can too.
Take care for today.

12:16 PM, January 03, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

CMP = carbon monoxide poisoning. Since I don't have access to a gun, I've read this is one of the quickest ways to go.

12:33 AM, January 04, 2005  

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