Friday, December 24, 2004

The kiddie was upset

The kiddie was upset with her father today. She was upset because he's waiting until the last minute, Christmas Eve, to take her out and buy a gift for me. She's worried that all the stores will be sold out of what she wants to get me. I tried to reassure her that I didn't need any gifts, but she said she really wants to get me something.

She said she's tired of being disappointed by him. I can certainly understand her frustration there. I want to tell him how she feels, but after his last email to me...I worry about setting him off. He sent an email that basically said that he's in too much emotional pain, and he wanted to warn me of that in case something happens to him. That leaves me afraid to tell him how she feels because I know that "failures" like that just add to the depression & feelings of worthlessness.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I need to stay alive for my daughter because I'm pretty much all she has, but how do I stay alive when I'm convinced there's no hope for me to get better? How do I live with this horrible pain everyday, knowing that it won't ever subside? I'm trapped in a living hell with no escape in sight and it's a horrific feeling. It grows harder each day to get out of bed and pretend all is well so my kiddie doesn't worry about me. I don't know how much longer I can keep up the facade.

How do I continue to provide the love and support she needs, when I can feel myself coming apart at the seams. I can feel the anger growing beyond anything I've felt before. I feel myself completely losing my mind, becoming even more broken than I already am. I don't want my daughter to hurt. I don't want her to suffer a lifetime of pain like I've experienced. Yet I don't know how to hold on long enough to make sure that doesn't happen.

Another thing adding to my difficulties right now is the crap the stupid fuckhead is dumping on me. Why is it so easy for him to look to me for support when he couldn't be bothered supporting me when I needed him most? Why was it so easy for him to break up our family, when he begged me not to because he was from a broken home & didn't want his daughter growing up in one? Just seems like he does whatever he wants without worrying about what effect it'll have on anyone else. I wouldn't be surprised if he did kill himself, despite him knowing that I'm in far more pain and have been for longer. He'd leave me here to continue suffering and expect me to help my daughter work through the pain of losing her father.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better but I just dont know what that is.Your certainly not in this dark place alone,theres many of us sharing this hell with you and I know all to well about that feeling of hoplessness but I certainly wouldnt want to be going through this with a kid,I really sympathize with you for that.Dont listen to what that crackpot of a therapist said to you,your a good mother and dont forget it. My mother was telling me the other day that prayer is the only answer but I just dont know,I dont really know how to pray,I never know what to say but I am feeling very desperate and I dont know what else to do.I think Im going to go get my mothers prayer book and find a prayer for mental illness and Im going to pray for you and me both,I think it would be worth a try,theres nothing I wouldnt do at this point. Listen I hope have a good Christmas and I hope we both get through it without any panic attacks,Ill see ya later. T.M

1:01 AM, December 25, 2004  

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