Friday, December 31, 2004

Fuck this rage

I'm still so fucking full of rage I can't stand it. Every little thing irritates me. Anyone asks anything of me and I snip at them, even if it's just a simple "would you like salad with your dinner" kind of question. I can't contain it much longer. I'm going to go ballistic on someone soon, I'm just afraid of who that will be.

I don't know what to do, don't know how to get rid of this. It needs to come out in a somewhat controlled manner, that much I know. But I definitely lack the skills to do that. Though I really haven't felt the urge to do it, maybe if I cut it would help relieve the rage. Help keep me from going off on some poor unfortunate person that doesn't deserve it. I don't know, maybe it would be worth trying. I don't have any other coping skills to help me through this type of situation.

Just wish I could understand where the rage is coming from and what the hell is fueling it. I haven't been under much stress lately. Xmas was uneventful and New Years will be just as dull. Haven't been involved in any negative situations that I can remember since the therapist fiasco which was a week ago and I haven't given that any thought since.

Maybe it's just all the little things piling up. Things I thought weren't effecting me, but maybe they are. The fact that my daughter's been home for 2 wks and I've had to do more each day than I usually would. The fact that my mom is now officially retired and I'll have to deal with both the old people being home all the time. The fact that once again, my older sis is fucking treating me like I'm invisible. The fact that because my daughter's been too darn picky about what to do for a birthday party, I'm scrambling at the last minute to put something together for her. The fact that everyday is a fucking struggle with life & death. The fact that I want to get the fuck outta this house but have nowhere else to go. The fact that I'm so sick & tired of being sick & tired; and the antibiotics haven't helped much.

Ok...maybe those aren't little things. No wonder I'm fucking raging. Think I'll go curl up in bed & cry like a baby.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey,Im feeling much more calm now that our company is leaving.Ive been so drunk and stressed all week and well things have been a mess,I just cant get it together.I thought things were getting better,I started praying and I was feeling good but then came the stress and then the drinking,I was praying while I was drunk and then I started cursing at God saying why is this happening to me,I thought you were supposed to love me and well I dont know,what a mess.I cant seem to stay the same for very long,I just keep changing,Im good Im bad and I just dont know who I am or what I am.What are we supposed to do,we cant function like this,we cant be on our own,we would fuck up if we tried.If we dont end up killing ourselves will probably drink ourselves to death or die of lonliness,Oh God this is horrible.Im so nervous about my therapy session coming up,I dont know anything about what goes on with therapy,could you tell me a little bit about it and has it helped you any at all.You see Im not use to sharing any of these things with people,Ive never discussed any of this information about myself with anyone but you,Ive always kept it to myself and thats why Ive always been just considered depressed and nervous,nobody has ever really known how sick I really am and now this therapist is going to find out just how crazy I really am and I just dont know how to deal with that.Im so afraid,what if they put me away.Are you this way around your family or other people or do you hide a lot of it and do you think people are afraid of you when they find out that your borderline.Im afraid that if I turn out to be borderline it will scare my family and people will be afraid of me and reject me thinking I might be dangerous. T.M

2:21 AM, December 31, 2004  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...

I'm not sure what to tell you about therapy because my experience in that area has sucked. Every therapist is different. Some I've had just looked at me & expected me to carry the conversation. Since I had no clue what to talk about, I'd just end up walking out & never going back. Most ask questions tho and then once they receive a response, continue asking questions related to that response.

Typically they won't put you away unless you tell them you have a suicide plan. You can tell them you feel suidical, but unless you mention a plan, they can't lock you up...least that's how it is around here.

My family had no clue anything was even wrong with me until my first hospitalization in 2003. Since then I think they have tried to distance themselves as best they can, despite them telling me they were going to research my disorders and provide whatever support I needed. I think they just said all that in hopes of preventing me from killing myself, not out of genuine concern and desire to help me...because I've received little support since.

3:29 AM, January 01, 2005  

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