Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Read a book

Today I read one of the books I checked out of the library. Guess this one was more for me than for obtaining info for the kiddie. Funny thing is, I don't remember grabbing this one to check out. It's called How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me by Susan Rose Blauner. The author was dx'd with BPD, major depression & PTSD and it's about her journey in dealing with her suicidal mind.

Being the obsessive person I am, I did have to read the whole book at once, though I didn't waste any time doing the different exercises she has in it. I recognize a lot of the suggestions and information in it from my own hospitalizations. Things like making a crisis plan, planning out your day so you have structure, identifying feelings...that kind of stuff. But I liked the fact that she knows what it's like to be borderline, she's experienced it first hand.

What I hated was that it included one of the lines people feed you all the time that I truly hate....suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. FUCK that pisses me off when I hear or read that! I don't view something I've fought my entire life and will have to continue to fight for the rest of my life if I stay alive as a temporary problem. Temporary means that at some point, usually after a small duration of time, it will go away. My borderline isn't going to go away, it will always be there.

Guess the whole reason I read the book was to find out what made her change. What made her finally feel that life was worth fighting for. Wanted to find out what I seem to be missing. Of course she never says, no one ever says. Everyone tells you it's something you need to find within yourself. Personally I'm tired of fucking looking for it because I don't believe it exists within me.

I have too many issues with the whole "getting better" process anyway. Mainly because it's a gamble and I'm not a gambling kind of gal. What if I did find this imaginary piece of the puzzle I'm missing and I did decide that life was really worth living & I wanted to get better? The majority of the mental health field is being run based on theories not solid evidence. Every person is different, who's to say that anything I try will make even one iota of difference? Of course the typical response I get to that question is..what have I got to lose? A whole lot more needlessly wasted years. I don't want to live another 5 years trying my damnedest to get better only to find it was all for naught. Just to find out I was right all along and all I ended up doing was prolonging my suffering 5 more years.

On top of that, there are still some other major obstacles in my way that would need to be overcome first before I could even try to work on getting better. Obstacles like my complete lack of trust in anyone. Can't be in therapy if you can't trust your therapist.

It all seems like a complete waste of time.


Blogger Polar Bear said...

Sounds like the kind of book I'd like to read. Might try to get it from the library.

I can relate to how you feel about the permanence of our feelings. I often look back to my younger days and think that if I had died in any of the many attempts on my life, I'd have to regrets. Even though people often say to me that in the future, I will feel differently (better).

8:31 PM, January 06, 2005  

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