Thursday, January 20, 2005

High anxiety

My anxiety was really high today. Fucking want to crawl out of my skin so badly. Wish I could figure out what triggers this shit. I mean, I'm almost always anxious, it's just a natural state for me. But sometimes it's just beyond bearable and I have no clue why it gets so bad. Also haven't found anything that helps take my mind off this gawd awful feeling. Just stuck to deal with it I guess.

My rage was up today too. Most days I can handle the little irritants without going off, but not today. My computer was running a little slower than usual, actually it was probably the website I was on that was lagging not my computer, but it took every ounce of energy I had to restrain myself from slamming my fist through the monitor. Scary that the idea to do it was even in my head, and all over something so small, that's how enraged I was.

I also refrained from going off on the receptionist at my pdoc's office for not returning my message from Monday. I shouldn't have though. In that case I felt it was warranted. Not sure what stopped me from doing it. Probably because she seemed so harried. Put me on hold twice cuz the phone wouldn't stop ringing.

Made an appointment to see the pdoc on D-day, it was one of the few days he still had open. Figured either I'll be dead & won't make it, or if by some small miracle I'm still alive, something drastic is going to have to happen to keep me that way. I'm willing to admit that I'm torn by my decision, but at this point I'm still going ahead with things as planned. While I think it is in my best interest to just get it all over with, it's still so incredibly hard to leave my daughter.

Never been one to make the right decision anyway. This is just another shining example of that. Which of course makes me think, just change the decision. But it doesn't matter what I decide, it will in some way still be the wrong one.

26 days until D-day


Blogger Polar Bear said...

Sid, it doesn't have to be the wrong one. The decision is yours ultimately, but think about what will happen to the people around you. I know you probably think they won't care. But every human life impacts on other lives to one degree or another.

Think about your daughter and if she is the only one worth worrying about, then think about her.

1:26 PM, January 20, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I really do understand how you are feeling. I want to just go, be done, so bad. But, I look at my little girls, and my baby son...I can't imagine never seeing those shining eyes again. It keeps me here, if only one day at a time.
Hope you are ok today.

2:21 PM, January 20, 2005  

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