Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Waste of a day

What a waste of a day. Spent almost all of it in bed. Slept 14 hours, got up for about 3 hrs and napped another 2 hrs after that. Felt good to sleep, but the downside is that it's 1:30 am & I'm wide fucking awake. I may never get back on a day schedule again, something always happens to screw it up.

I have an ache in my back that won't go away. Like a pinched nerve or something. I can barely turn my head without being in pain. Of course, y'all know me, I'm not taking any kind of medication for it. Suffer bitch suffer. I should get a tattoo that says that.

Called my pdoc's office to set up an appointment for next month. I know that sounds strange since I'm planning to die, but I have this need to make everyone believe everything is just fine with me. Keep going about my usual routine so no one suspects anything is amiss. Of course the office didn't return my call, so immediately I'm thinking he's dumped me as a patient & doesn't give a shit about me. Gawd I'm a fucking retard.

To keep everything "normal", I'm even planning on going to the NAMI meeting tomorrow nite. They're supposed to be showing a film on depression and the warning signs of suicide (fitting, huh?), then having a discussion about it afterwards. I'm curious to see what's said. Gonna try hard not to pipe in because I know my views on the whole subject go against the majority, but we'll see. I may need to voice my opinion if I start getting pissed off by what others are saying.

28 days til D-day.


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