Monday, January 17, 2005

Freak of nature

A sample of the tornado-like thoughts swirling around in my head.....

Lucky me, even amongst fellow nutcases and crazy people I'm a freak of fucking nature that doesn't fit in.

The world is full of liars. People offering up help, but they're all too ready and willing to use your weaknesses against you. They ignore you when you reach out for help because they know that rejection at that crucial time will hurt worse than at any other time, even if they don't know you personally.

Survival of the fittest reigns supreme in our world and suicide is just the weak ones weeding themselves out. So I'm a weak one, despite the facade I'd built up so well that I was an uncaring, emotionless bitch.

Don't let anyone in. If they aren't in, they can't hurt you. But that's not necessarily true is it? They'll still find ways to hurt you. But why? How much pain is one person supposed to bear? Is that why I was put on this earth? To bear not only my own pain, but to have others dump theirs on me as well?

I told him no today. He wanted me to take a check someone else had given him again. Give him cash in exchange and then cash the check myself later on. Told him I didn't have any money. It was a lie, kinda sorta. I have money, just not any to give him. I hate the bastard.

I want to take all these pills right now. I don't want to wait any longer. Would they kill me? There's such a vast assortment. Even if I was rushed to the ER before dying and they had the bottles, they'd never be able to know all the different meds that were inside them. Should wait til I can be alone, then there will be no one to stop me.

Why is a stupid fucking word. Why asks a question for which there is no answer. No one in the world has an answer for why. Doesn't even matter what other words you put with it, why is infinitely impossible to answer. But it's usually the first question asked. Why?

The music doesn't ever stop does it. I don't even know where some of these songs come from. Songs I haven't heard in years combined together with songs I hear regularly. They all keep playing, one after another. Sometimes I hear more than one at a time, they overlap, yet all are distinguishable.

You're a stupid, worthless waste of space Sid. Accept it, give in to it, don't fight it. You're a mistake that wasn't supposed to happen. A freak of nature.

The blade is so close. Just reach out and grab it. No one needs to know, just keep it hidden like usual. Punish yourself for being alive. You deserve to be punished for it. Hurt yourself on the outside to distract from the pain on the inside.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are hurting so badly right now. Just know you are not alone. I think all of those same things, all the time. It sucks, I know. Is the music thing a BPD thing? I do it too, but I guess I thought everyone did.
Please know there are others that understand you, relate to you, and feel like you do. I am always here if you want to chat.

11:41 AM, January 17, 2005  

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