Monday, January 24, 2005

Damn my head

Damn my fucking head. Life would be so much sweeter if I owned a gun cuz I'd have blown my fucking brains out a long damn time ago.

The thoughts I've been having the last 24 hrs are confusing me. Now I'm thinking I should keep my pdoc apptmt on Feb 15th and tell him I desperately need something for my anxiety because it's keeping me so damn wound up & wired that I can't sleep. Not only that, but I've had thoughts of handing the bastard my "rainy day" stash of pills and telling him that if he doesn't take them from me, I'm going to swallow them all. What the fuck? Where the hell are these thoughts coming from?? It's like HELLO BRAIN? You already helped me make a plan, helped me organize all the details, why are you now suddenly doing an about face?

I swear my brain is split into several different warring factions, each with its own conflicting thought patterns. Each trying to take control and put its own agenda for my life into action. Fuck, just let one side be victorious already.

I can tell there's something really wrong in my head today. I can't focus or even remember things I should know. I left to pick the kiddie up from school, all the while thinking I was running late and would just get there in time. Turns out I left an hour early and didn't realize it til I got to the school and no buses were there & no kids were coming out.

So I went to the store. I have no idea what the hell I was thinking while I was there because I bought 6 cases of pop, 3 bags of chips, 2 boxes of pop tarts...just a whole bunch of shit that I rarely eat these days (aside from several bottles of water, about the only sustenance I take in each day is whatever the old man is cooking for dinner). I also bought a case of beer & a bottle of wine which wasn't needed because I haven't been drinking much lately and still had a case of beer, a bottle of wine and a quarter bottle of jack at home. Apparently a part of my brain must be thinking it's going to pig out & get super drunk, though I have no desire to do either.

Guess I'll sit back, watch tv & wait for the battle to rage out of control again. Apparently it's coming...

? days til D-day cuz I lost count & don't feel like figuring it out right now.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I clicked on "Next Blog" at the top my own blog, and landed here... I have only read a little bit about you, and I've never posted a comment before, so here it goes...

Hi there! Let me get a few quick things out...

#1 - I'm not judging you, not telling you what to do, etc.

#2 - Don't kill yourself!

Yes, BPD sucks! But you recognize it for what it really is! Most people that deal with this have no clue as to what it is, and what to do about it when they do figure it out. Just like some of the other comments made to you, you're not alone. It's amazing - we're all out here unloading our most personal thoughts for the world to see. And just like you, I'm not revealing names or locations (I admit, I am commenting anonymously for just that reason).

#3 - Stop punishing yourself!

Guess what? You're here for a reason. I'm not going to tell you to believe in God or anything like that... and I'm sure you've seen "It's a Wonderful Life". Even if you don't realize it, it's amazing how many peoples lives you can change BY BEING HERE. Yes, you have choices in life - IN LIFE - but if you choose to take your life, you don't get to make any more choices.

I have to use the example of your daughter... you know full well that if you choose to take your life that she ends up with Dad. And from what I quickly read, that's the last thing you'd want.

Life sucks, but 99% of it is what you make of it... choose to make something of it!

I'm certainly no motivational speaker/author, and since it's unlikely that we'll ever know who each other is, I can be honest like this.

The Internet is a beautiful place to be anonymous.

#4 My story?

In brief, I have not been officially diagnosed with BPD. Most of my "thoughts" are from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders / Delusional Paranoia (voices) - most commonly played out as pathological jealousy, with a hint of trichotillomania (hair pulling).

So keep on posting so I can know that you're out there making choices - right or wrong - as long as you're making them.

5:03 PM, January 24, 2005  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

Sid, sorry it's been so hard for you lately.

I can relate to how you are feeling. I have made a plan in the past, like you have, and have experienced that ambivalence. I also felt the peace once my mind was made up.

I didn't make it, obviously. But to this day, I still remember my d-day date. November 18th. Every year from that day on, I have observed the anniversary by reflecting on how far I have come.

This November (2005), would be my 9th anniversary.

8:03 PM, January 24, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know all those thoughts running through your head is very annoying and it makes it very difficult to concentrate on whats going on around you,you miss a lot of what people are saying.Im not sure whether its ocd or anxiety but I dont know why mine are so bizarr,are yours really bizarr?Mine are like my dreams,its one thing then another thing and there not connected and make no since at all,its just continuous rambeling in my head and when nobodys home I do it out loud.But one thing that helps keep me calm is to burn a couple of candles, sit in my rocking chair and cover up in my cozy blanket and watch old movies,its very relaxing,you should try it,especially anything with Joan Crawford,Marlene Detrietch and Clark Gable. Anyway have you started to flirt with that guy yet,just be careful if you decide to go home with him because you dont know him very well and he might be dangerous,you never know.Im glad I dont like sex very much at least not with anyone around here,maybe a couple of movie stars and a few old movie stars but thier all dead,oh well,I can dream I guess.Dreams are soooooooooo much better than reality.Im so sick,thank goodness most people dont know how messed up I am,you would never believe this was me talking if you saw me in person,most of this is in my head and thats where Im going to keep it. But anyway you just be careful with strange men,theres some really sick ones out there,you never know what they might do to you and I dont want anything to happen to you so watch it ok?T.M

11:05 PM, January 24, 2005  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...

Thanks for the comments. Just wanted to say that so people know that I actually do read them all instead of just ignoring what people say.

I have actually never watched It's a Wonderful Life. I have only ever seen the ending and based on that & the title of the movie, it doesn't interest me to see the rest. I don't like to watch movies with happy endings, or even romance movies, because I feel the plots are so far removed from the true reality of life. I'm just not a dreamer I guess.

Keep plugging away Polar Bear & congrats on making 8 yrs. I hope you live to see many more.

T.M., my thoughts aren't typically bizarre, though in times of high stress they can be and I become quite paranoid and delusional. And no, I haven't started flirting with that guy. I only get to see him once a month and hopefully by the time I see him again those thoughts will have passed.

1:35 AM, January 25, 2005  

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