Slept...but it was drug induced

It felt so good to sleep last night. I took a bunch of Seroquel because I hadn't slept in a few days and was miserable. They're only 25 mg pills, so the dose I probably took was about 300 mg...which was the dose I was supposed to be at when I decided to go off my medications. I just don't fucking understand why I still need to take the Seroquel to get any sleep. Why the hell can't I just fall asleep?? It's not as if I'm not tired enough. Most days I'm fucking exhausted.

There's a new family record for the shortest time it takes to drive from Chicago to my sister's house in Michigan, held by yours truly. I made it in exactly 2 hours...35 mins faster than anyone else ever has. Yes I'm a fucking speeder & if you were driving in the left hand lane of eastbound 80/94 on Saturday, I was the redheaded bitch in the silver car tailgating you cuz you weren't doing the 95 mph I wanted you to go. I can't help it, I need to speed and the faster I'm going, the need to go even faster keeps taking over.

The weekend was ok. Most of my sisters kids were sick and I think I caught it despite trying to wash my hands often. Woke up this morning with a sore throat and I've been feeling feverish all day. My sis doesn't seem to be doing well. I think her depression is getting the best of her, but she won't go to the doctor (an aversion to drs runs in our family).

Her kids are...still full of emotional problems, most of which were brought on by her poor parenting. The oldest is malicious, particularly towards his 2 brothers. He's the kind of kid that would deliberately trip someone down the stairs, pretend it was an accident, but secretly be laughing because he hurt someone else. My future prognosis for him = he'll either end up killing his whole family or going on a murderous rampage at school or work.

The next in line is obese and overly sensitive. He's a nice kid, but I can see a whole lot of bullying in his future, especially if the other kids realize it doesn't take much to make him cry. He's a little too whiney as well, but it gets him attention from his mom, so I think that's why he does it so much. He's on anti-depressants and in therapy, which has helped some. My prognosis for him is that he will continue to need therapy as long as he lives at home and if he doesn't get it, he will probably kill himself by the time he's 16. Once he's old enough to get away from his mom, he'll finally make some progress at getting better, though I think he'll stay at home a long time because he'll be too scared to venture away. A future momma's boy in the making.

The third seems to get a disproportionate amount of punishment and you can see his frustration. He's an angry kid who thinks he's being unfairly blamed for stuff and I have to agree with him. Despite the oldest doing all kinds of mean stuff like hitting and kicking that went unpunished, the third son was the one that was always being sent to his room for things that didn't involve hurting anyone else. He's incredibly intelligent though, so my prognosis for him is good. He'll realize his mother and family are fucked up and try to stay away from home as much as possibe as he gets older. He'll be the first one to move out.

The youngest, the only girl in the bunch, always needs to get her way and if she doesn't she runs off crying. If you play a game with her & she loses, forget it...she can't handle it. She breaks into tears, yells and then runs off to her room. I found it entertaining, but I know she's going to have some serious problems when she starts school and finds out that life isn't "all about her".

Guess every time I doubt how good of a mother I am, I should visit my sister. It's so weird because growing up, we always thought she would make a great mother. Guess the reality is that she was so focused on not beating the crap out of her kids like our mother did, that she failed to see she was hurting them in so many other ways. She dumped all her own dysfunctional, emotional baggage onto her kids.

I've tried to gently point out what a crappy mother she is, without coming right out and telling her she's a lousy fucking mother and she's doing some real damage to her kids, though that's what I really want to say. When she tells me she's frustrated with how one of them is acting & doesn't know what to do, I'll say that kids are a product of their environment and they learn how to act from what we've taught them. If she wants to improve their behaviour, she needs to improve her own. Don't think that it's ever going to register with her that SHE is the problem, not the kids.