Saturday, January 29, 2005

Off to Michigan

I'm supposed to be driving up to Michigan later today for my nephew's b-day party. I want to go, but at the same time, I'm not looking forward to it. Warned everyone that if I don't show up by at least 5 pm, not to worry about me...I just kept on driving north.

I really miss being able to hop in my car, pick a direction and just drive until I couldn't drive any longer. Find a hotel in whatever city I ended up in and stay locked inside a hotel room alone for a few days. For that short time, I felt like I had finally escaped from all the pain and sadness. Felt a million miles away from everything and everyone I knew, loved, hated and feared. I know it was just an illusion, but it felt good while it lasted. Not sure it would have the same effect on me now though. Last time I got in my car and drove away like that, I was suicidal & running away to avoid being locked up in the hospital and they filed a missing persons report on me.

Yesterday was a bad day. I kept thinking about writing a letter to the stupid fuckhead and telling him he needs to explain things to me. I need to know why he did the things he did. Why he didn't just tell me the truth. Why did he tell me all these things about loving me and our marriage and then destroyed it all. Then tell him that I can't be his shoulder to cry on when he's depressed since he couldn't be bothered helping me when I needed him most. Telling him I plan to file for divorce next month. Not sure if I should write it though. Maybe I should write it and then decide if I want to give it to him after.

I don't know if I can file for divorce. On the one hand, I know it needs to be done. Hell, we've been separated for nearly a year & a half. But on the other hand, there's a part of me that is still fighting the abandonment and doesn't want to admit it's over. I don't know, it's still so complicated. I can't handle the confusion I'm feeling. I hate him and would never trust him again, but yet I still love him and truly believe he was my soulmate.

Everyone believed we were the perfect match. But then I wonder, were we really? Or was it because of the BPD that it just appeared as if we were. Did I feed off his love for me and just become the person he wanted me to be, or was that really me? I don't know, not sure I want to know. It was love at first sight for me. Then we had the whirlwind romance and were married not that long after getting together...which I've read is a very common occurrence with borderlines.

Of course over-analyzing crap is common with borderlines too so I'm gonna stop this shit right now and get to bed so I don't fall asleep at the wheel.


Blogger Polar Bear said...

I know exactly what you meant about driving away. I've done that a few times in my life, and I felt the same - away from everyone, away from the familiar. Just drive and drive and get to a town and find a motel. Doesn't matter where. It was just good to be away and free from the pain (temporarily, because soometime sooner I had to go back.

12:31 PM, January 30, 2005  

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