Friday, February 04, 2005

Anxiety is getting worse

My anxiety continues to be off the charts and is only getting worse. It gets so bad towards the end of the day that I've actually puked the last two nights. I've never experienced it quite so bad and I'm not sure what is fueling it. Probably a combination of a whole lot of things…knowing my original d-day is approaching even though I've set those plans on hold, the whole therapist issue, the fear of being locked up again by my pdoc and by being severely triggered by a book I've been reading.

I've read a lot of stuff on borderline, and I'm not typically triggered by it. Doesn't bother me when others talk about their drinking or suicide attempts or cutting. But this book, Get Me Out of Here by Rachel Reiland, has really been affecting me in such a bad way that I typically can only read a few chapters before I feel so emotionally drained and upset. Of course it's also hard to read thru all the tears this book is generating. I think her story just mirrors my own far too closely. There were so many similarities…such as the fear of leaving the bedroom as a child even to go to the bathroom, wishing we had been born men, putting up the "I don’t give a shit" tough chick facade, all the portraits taken of us a children where there was no smile on our faces, the going back thru our old school papers and clearly seeing there was a big problem but no one else ever addressed it. Her interaction with others mirror my own as well, from those involving her husband to how good of a mom she tried to be. It seemed at times as if I was going thru the therapy myself because the situations, reactions and feelings described in the book are exactly how it would be for me.

Disturbed, that's how I'm feeling right now. Very disturbed. I can feel the nausea rising again.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry you had such a bad childhood,I hope you werent abused or anything like that.So you were one of those girls that acted all tough on the outside uh?.A lot of people use toughness as sort of a protective shield,my protection was to be qiet and people will just leave me alone,just sweet and shy and scared to death.Then the stress just built up over the years and thats when I started to fly into rages to release it all and then things would just keep getting worse and worse after that.Its too bad parents never seem to realize anythings wrong till its much too late. I was wondering,you said something about having red hair,do you have long red hair and wear it bach in a ponytail, because I had a dream about someone like that and I was wondering if it meant anything. T.M

2:03 AM, February 05, 2005  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...

I actually was abused, but oh well...the past is the past right & you can't change it. I went back & forth between being a tough chick and being super quiet & withdrawn. As a kid I was more prone to being quiet, but as I got older I became the tough chick. Never felt comfortable in either role, but I think I prefer tough chick mode.

As for the red hair, I did often wear it in a pony tail cuz I was usually too lazy to do anything else with it & it was less noticeable how disgustingly dirty it was if it was up. Got it cut short yesterday tho, so now I'm screwed.

5:08 PM, February 05, 2005  

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