Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Withholding info

I keep wondering if withholding information is the same as lying to someone because I'm getting the same guilty feelings I would if I had outright lied. But in this instance, the stupid fuckhead ex was the one that jumped to conclusions, I just failed to clarify things in hopes of making him jealous. Not that I should care if he's jealous or not, but a part of me wants him to be so maybe he'll hurt for fucking me over.

The stupid fuckhead told me he wants to take the kiddie on both Saturday & Sunday this week and next. Jokingly he mentioned that since I'd be without the kiddie, I'd be free to go out on dates if I wanted to, to which I responded that I might just do that. So he gets it in his head that I'm already interested in someone and wants to know more info. Told him it was none of his business if I was dating and I wasn't going to tell him if I was or wasn't.

I did check out the personal ads on yahoo earlier. There are a few guys I'd consider fucking on there. Not sure I'm interested in dating. But after coming off these meds, my sex drive has returned full force and I'm always fucking horny. I'd love to find a fuck buddy just to feel satisfied.

Anyway...I've decided to temporarily postpone my d-day. Why? Several reasons actually. 1) I was looking at the wrong month on the calendar & only just realized Feb 15th isn't on the weekend and I can't kill myself during the week while the kiddie is here. 2) Also because I was looking at the wrong month, I didn't realize I'd picked the day after Valentine's day. While that day holds no special meaning to me, the kiddie seems to enjoy it and I don't want to ruin it for her. There was a #3, but damn if I can remember what it was (I fucking HATE when that happens).

So now it's back to the calendar to choose another day. I'm going to wait until after my visit with the pdoc on the 15th though, because I think there is going to be a big clash between the two of us. Once again, my mind is already producing it's own version of how my visit will go. Planning for another confrontation, hoping to make him lock me up. Just need to let the other part of my brain that is telling me there's no way I'm going to be locked up again gain control that day.

It's so fucking hard to explain and unless your own mind plays tricks on you like this, it's unfathomable how a war could be raging inside your brain with multiple sides. If someone had tried to explain it to me years ago when I hadn't ever experienced it yet, I would have told them they've completely lost it & should be locked up. Or at the very least, should be heavily medicated because they're delusional.

I've already had visions of being in the pdoc's office and having him ask me the usual...how am I feeling, are there any symptoms that are really bothering me, am I still in therapy. I tell him I'm fucking crappy and I'm tired of the depression and the anxiety is beyond anything I can tolerate. Then I tell him I'm not in therapy because the center fucked me over. That because of his insistence that his office call and get me into see someone right away, they assigned me to a therapist they knew would be going on medical leave and she's been gone for 3, almost 4 months now, with no one knowing when or if she'll ever return. He then tells me he won't prescribe any medications if I'm not in therapy and I tell him I'm not fucking worried about it any longer because I have enough medication to just fucking end it all and I walk out. He calls the cops, I put up a hell of a fight, but get hauled off to the hospital.

Pretty much the same "daydream" I have every time I have an appointment with the guy. I'm sure I've written this all before. It's all FUBAR. Fucking pussy ass fuckwad that I am obviously wants the guy to protect me from me because I refuse to do it myself or I wouldn't have the thoughts about telling him I will end it. If I say that to him, I give him the ammunition he needs to have me locked up. But I can't let myself say that though can I? A part of me doesn't want to be saved, the part that wants to die right here, right now.

Gawd I'm fucked up! I fucking hate myself.


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