Thursday, February 17, 2005

Back on the drugs

I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. If I could keep a coherent thought for more than 5 minutes it'd be a goddamn miracle. I'm all over the place in my thoughts, my actions, my conversations, everything.

Saw the pdoc yesterday. At least I think it was yesterday. Anyway, to stave off any showdown between the two of us, simply because I was so damn anxious and not feeling well in general, I told him straight up I needed something for the anxiety. I can't handle how high it's been. Though as a bonus I have been losing weight since the anxiety is so high that I can't sit still. Even when I'm sitting, my leg is constantly shaking to burn up some of the anxiety.

So I'm back on Zoloft, which is one of the few drugs that's actually helped my depression, even if it was short-lived. And he also prescribed Neurontin. He claimed the Neurontin would kick in and help the anxiety faster than the Zoloft, but none of the websites I checked even mention it helping anxiety. It has not been approved for treating any psychiatric conditions, and the only off-label use information I can find is in relation to bi-polar. Wonder if the fucker is lying to me to get me heavily medicated again.

The mental health center that I left a message at on Friday finally called me back today. Unfortunately I was still asleep & my father didn't bother to wake me. I did warn him that if they call again tomorrow to wake me up, it was kind of important. I tried calling them, but once again, all I got was voice mail. Wasn't the intake coordinator that called me tho, I think maybe it was one of their therapists since the message on her voice mail said she was either with a client or out of the office. Guess we'll see what happens tomorrow.

I did check online at the University of Chicago Psychiatric department for how they run their therapy. I looked on the map to see if I could find their location, but it isn't where I thought it was. It's at least an hour away. Actually it would be longer than an hour with all the traffic, so I won't be pursuing that. Someone recommended I try a teaching hospital since I'm on Medicaid, but I had a thought. If it's a teaching hospital, how would I be able to stay with the same therapist for any length of time. These people will graduate and move on won't they? Not only does that inhibit the whole trust building issue, but it seems like it would greatly aggravate the feelings of abandonment...those are the problems I just had with the fucked up mental health center and what I'm trying to get away from.

Went down to the city to catch a play that my sexual abuser wrote and directed. Figured no one else in the family was able to go and support him, I would. Fucked up huh? While I know what he did to me was wrong, I don't allow myself to feel like a victim. Actually, I probably just suppress all the feelings associated with that abuse exceptionally well. They don't loom over me like a black cloud and I don't usually see him for the sick fuck that sexually abused a little girl. When I look at him, most of the time I just see a man. The play was actually interesting. I'm completely surprised he's into the whole theatre thing because he's never been overly social or outgoing. He's walking the fine line between genius and insanity, and keeps swaying back & forth over it. For years he locked himself inside his room and never talk to anyone.

I was very anxious about going out. It's been awhile since I went out to do anything recreational. Felt better once I got down there though. The kiddie & I did a little shopping before the show. I took her on her first visit to The Alley, one of my old hangouts back in my teens & twenties. Had quite a few friends that worked there back then, so we'd visit while waiting for them to get off work so we could hit the clubs. The kiddie loved that place because she's into the whole "punk" mother & father, like daughter (BIG GRIN). Bought her a Siouxsie Darkside shirt (click the link to see who Siouxsie is if you're not familiar) which is too cute. They don't have the one she got on their website though, which is odd. We're gonna go back down to the city on Friday or Monday since there's no school. I'll take her around all of my old stomping ground, she'll love it.

I kept looking at the men in the theatre, walking on the street and even in the restaurant we went to...trying to size them up on who would be a good fuck. Wonder if other women do that or if it's a BPD thing or if it's just me. Only found one that would have been doable, but he was with a woman so I didn't want to say hi. Guess I'll keep looking.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Sid. Glad your bach on your meds.My doctor put me on effexor xr a few weeks ago and they seem to be helping a little bit,giving me a bit of a boost,it feels kind of good sometimes.Im on neurontin too,for muscle spasms but they havnt done much for my anxiety.I didnt know it was for anxiety either.I was also on zoloft,I didnt feel anything with those.If zoloft was working for you why did you stop taking it?Better to feel something rather than nothing uh?Maybe you out to try this effexor,it gives me a bit of a high,although its making me act a bit silly though, and I certainly dont need that,Im already having a tough enough time keeping myself from acting inappropriatly.Good luck with the zoloft and with finding a new therapist,one that will help you deal with your past.Im really sorry for what you had to go through growing up and Im sorry that guy got away with what he did to you.T.M

10:58 PM, February 17, 2005  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...

I went off Zoloft before because it stopped working. My pdoc upped my dose each time it stopped and finally I maxed out on the dosage. I did try Effexor once a couple of years ago, but I took one 25 mg pill and had a severe reaction to it. Hmmm...maybe I should get a new pdoc & ask to be put on the Effexor again. Had such a bad reaction at the lowest dose possible, I'm sure it would't take much to kill me.

1:03 AM, February 18, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No,dont do that,besides that would be a horrible way go.Your thoughts are so consumed with wanting to die,I wonder if you ever get a moments peace.T.M

10:42 PM, February 18, 2005  

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