Wednesday, February 09, 2005

20 grand in the hole

Went through my box of outstanding bills today, most of which are medical ones and most have been in collections for quite awhile. I owe about 20 grand and that doesn't even include the thousands I owe my sister and friend for helping pay my bills after I lost my job. The thought of having to file for bankruptcy again is sickening. I had only just gotten the last bankruptcy off my credit report about 8 months before I'd lost my job. It was all nice & squeaky clean again after having that black mark on it for 10 yrs and I fucked it right up. Double failure in the finance department...fuck me.

I meet with a new therapist on Thursday. Therapist #3 in less than 6 months and this time it wasn't even my own raging BPD fault. This fucking mental health center sucks ass and I plan on telling that to this therapist. She already knows I'm none too happy about the whole situation because when she called & asked if I was still interested in seeing someone I sarcastically said "It depends. Are you planning on going on medical leave in the near future and leaving me screwed? Or are you just a temporary therapist and I get to see you for a handful of visits before I get dumped and have to wait for someone long term?" Told her I'm fucking tired of trying to get the help everyfuckingbody keeps telling me is out there and getting fucked for doing it.

I'm really not looking forward to going. I'm already anxious and every time I think about it I start getting very angry. Then of course there is the internal battle raging in my brain. One part continually asking why I'm even bothering to go when I plan on dying soon. One part telling me to go because I can't give up for my daughter's sake. And throw into the mix yet a third part telling me to go because something bad will happen, I'll end up getting fucked again and I deserve the punishment, deserve to suffer yet another defeat.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im in the same boat right now,my therapist is horrible,he just sits there and asks the same questions over and over and just acts so clueless like he doesnt know what to do.I asked the facility if this is how therapy works and they just said they dont know and that sometimes therapy doesnt work for everybody and I said but hes not even doing anything.Im tired of having to ask them the same questions over and over and they keep losing my files and canceling my appointments.These people are doing nothing for me but causing me more stress,Ive had it.I told my doctor yesterday Im just about to give up and I dont know if Im going to be able to hold on much longer,so then she started talking about putting me in a hospital because she doesnt know what else to do,then she put me on another med.Oh great more meds,just what I need.This health clinic is absolutly worthless,these doctors are usless to me and I have nowhere else to turn,this is a nightmare.Ive seriously been considering suicide but I had this horrible dream a couple of weeks ago,the same one I was telling you about.It was so strange because this girl reminded me so much of you,even though at the time I had no idea what you looked like but the look on her face said it all,it was sort of like anger and misery mixed and for some reason I thought of you and then you said later that you had red hair and wore it bach in a ponytail and that sort of creeped me out because she did too.But anyway,she was sitting in a lobby at a clinic across from me and she just looked so unhappy and so miserable and all around her were these dark spirits,demons or something,they certainly werent angels and they were screaming obsenitys and things like you stupid worthless bitch,useless idiot,hurry and kill yourself so we can take you with us.They were just harrassing her and tormenting her,I just felt sick for her.I didnt know what to make of that dream or if it meant anything,what if we are being tormented by evil spirits,maybe God or someone was trying to tell me something,I just dont know but Im still so disturbed by it,it was horrible.Im scared to die now but Im also scared to live.T.M

12:02 AM, February 10, 2005  

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