Sunday, February 20, 2005

Need to post more or...

Think I either need to sit down at the computer and post here more often, or I need to break out the notebooks again. There are so many damn thoughts swirling around in my mind that my head feels like it's going to explode. I even wake up each morning...err, actually for me it's usually afternoon...with the feeling I've been kicked in the head. The pressure inside hurts.

The kiddie never called her father, so I have no idea if he's planning on seeing her at all this weekend. It bothers me that I have to remind her to call him but I know she's a kid and she's caught up with talking to her friends. But it's even more bothersome that he isn't always calling her. When she lived with him, I made sure I called her almost every single night. Wanted her to know that despite the fact that I wasn't well enough for her to be with me, I still loved her more than anything and cared about what she was doing, even if she had nothing more to share with me than the mundane tasks of everyday life. It seems so common that men just kind of move on with their lives after a split, even if there are kids involved, and they don't bother to have much contact. I wonder how women compare in that respect when they don't have primary custody of their kids.

Speaking of the kiddie...OMG this child is on the phone from the minute she gets home from school til the time she goes to bed! Ok, that's an exaggeration, but it sure as heck seems like that. She used to do 3-way calling all the time but I had to put a stop to that. Told her there were other people in the house that get phone calls, she couldn't be tying up the phone line like that where the call waiting couldn't get thru. Guess she's using up all the hours I never spent on the phone as a teen. I have always hated talking on the phone. I'll call someone and get to the business at hand. I could never handle chitchatting with someone thru a piece of plastic. Not sure why.

So far I've felt no relief from the meds I'm on. My anxiety is still driving me batty. It's tiring to spend every minute you're awake feeling on edge. It's also irritating. Gives me that wanna crawl out of my skin feeling that usually causes me to cut, but I've resisted the urge to do it so far (kudos for me). At least the anxiety is keeping me distracted from thoughts of suicide, suppose that's a good thing.

My newest favorite line in the world comes from a Happy Bunny book by Jim Benton called Love Bites that the kiddie picked up today at the mall. The whole book is cute & funny, but the best line is: "Hate is just a special type of love that we give to people who suck." I think that's a good line. Hey, at least it's kinda sorta less insulting.


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