Sunday, March 06, 2005

Zombie time again

I'm starting to get that feeling again. The drugged, zombie-esque one. I can tell I'm being medicated again and I don't like it. It's strange, because on the one hand I feel drugged, but yet I'm not feeling any relief from the depression. Broke down today crying for no reason at all. Just feel that depressed.

Another thing troubling me lately is that I don't feel like I'm me, or at least the me I used to think I was. Is it because I no longer have anyone who I can reflect off of and base my identity on? Maybe that's why I feel so dead at times, so empty. I always knew I lacked in the identity department, but it wasn't until I read all the info I have about borderline that I realized that I was stealing and copying those of the people closest to me. For 13 years I had the ex to base my identity on and now I have no one.

How does one find their own identity anyway? And if you grew up without one, is it even possible to find one this late in life? Is it even worth it now?


Anonymous Shannin said...

I often ask myself those same questions. Who the fuck am I anyway? How do I find my own identity? Fuck if I know.
I also feel like I am not "me" when medicated. It is hard to get used to, which is probably why I am on and off meds so often. I feel like they mask who I am so that society can accept me because the real me is unacceptable. Then, I say "FUCK THEM! I want to be ME and they can suck it!" and go off my meds. Then, I end up manic, in a spiral that has nowhere to go but down. Eventually crawling into the office of some schmuck with that magic pad to disburse meds. And, I find some relief.....all the way until I decide "Fuck them!" again!!! Isn't being crazy fun!!!

Take care of you!

3:17 PM, March 07, 2005  

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