Sunday, March 20, 2005

He's wasting money

The kiddie is all ecstatic, daddy bought her a cellphone yesterday. I just love how he never has money to pay child support, but then suddenly when he does have a bit of extra cash, he wastes it. The good thing is that he added her onto his account so I don't have to pay anything. I'll have to remember to ask her if I was the first person she called once it was connected. I honestly don't care, but if she says she called a friend first I'll joke & say "oh, now I know where I rate in your life".

I am bothered by the whole ex & money issue. He was just telling me the night of the orchestra concert that he can barely afford to pay his bills. That some days he goes without eating because he doesn't have enough money. So he wastes money on a cellphone? I just don't understand his priorities. It's not as if it was some desperate necessity that she had to have. Think it's the typical absent parent buying the affections of their child syndrome.

There's a show on tonight that I have to remember to watch. It's on A&E at 9 pm CST called Intervention. I never got to see the whole commercial for it, but what I did see gave me the feeling it's about someone that either self injures or is suicidal. Guess I'll have to tune in to find out for sure. Hope it's at least a little interesting. Tv has really sucked this last week.

I've been trying to decide if my depression is improving, or if the meds are just allowing me to put up the facade again. The reason I can't tell is because, for the most part, I haven't been overly down for the last few days. But yet I will still break into tears within seconds if I have a single thought that's upsetting.

I do feel an eerie emptiness inside that's making me very uncomfortable. Not the typical BPD one that results from having a lack of identity or from being emotionally numb. It's more a feeling that a part of me has died. Can't clue in on what part it is, but I can feel it and though no one has mentioned anything, I have a feeling those closest to me have noticed it as well. I'm different. I react to people and situations far differently than I ever have. It's unsettling to me.

Suppose I could attribute it to all I've been thru, particularly in the past 2 years, but I've only been feeling this fairly recently. Why would it just start now instead of at some other point when I was far more emotionally unstable than I am at the present time? Don't ask why Sid, you know better than to do that...why can't be answered.


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