Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Back at it

I think I'm once again trying to hide behind the facade, rebuilding the walls to imprison my emotions behind. Only this time I'm fully aware of it every moment of every day. When I was younger the fortress became such a natural extension of who I was that it became fused to my personality, thus obscuring its existence. Certainly if I thought about it I would become acutely aware of the walls surrounding my fragile inner self. But I did everything in my power to not allow myself to think about it. Avoided close, intimate relationships with people. My walls kept everyone at a safe distance, or so I thought.

Insulated myself from ever really having to have an emotional response to anyone or anything outside of myself. I could fake happiness and joy. My specialty though was faking empathy and sympathy, which I did exceedingly well. Yet I never shed a tear for anyone else. All the tears I cried when I was younger were for myself. In shielding myself from outside harm, I know that I probably prevented others from having any emotional response to me in return. I also locked myself inside with all the pain I so desperately needed to escape from.

And here I am, returning to my old ways. I don't even remember when the walls caved in around me. In a way I'm still hidden behind them though. Only now I'm crushed beneath their weight, still out of reach from anyone trying to find my fragile emotional self. Doubt anyone is even looking, in fact I know they aren't.

Just seems like a natural response. Build up the walls again while no one is looking. They protected me in the past why not use them in the future. Sure I know I paid a huge price, but I was able to function. Life is about give and take. I sacrificed in order to be a part of society. My walls shielded not only myself from harm, but others as well. I don't think I'm strong enough to exist without a protective barrier.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi there. I linked here from Polar Bear, and I've read the first month's worth of posts. I'm sad (but also a tiny bit hopeful) for you, and me, and everyone like us. I wanted to say I can empathize with you, I hope things can be better, but I also understand why they don't always get better.

The idea of walls really resonates with me. You are the only other person I've seen who describes it in this way. "rebuilding the fortress" ... "insulating myself" ... "being crushed" ... "I paid a huge price, but I was able to function." I think I have said all these words over the last 2 or 3 years. (you can look at my blog for more, although you probably don't need my scary, depressing crap too!)

I felt compelled to say something, even if it seems trite. So far I think you are a good person, whether you believe that or not. I hope you find help to rescue the fragile self, the innocent child that somehow got left behind. I'm sure she is still there, trapped, and if you can find a way to let her breathe and speak and feel, you might feel whole again.

Earlier you wrote "I need to get there for my daughter." Go with that for now, then when you are ready, you can find your own reason to go on. Maybe we (you and me and other blog friends) can help find good reasons to continue.

Please don't hurt yourself, or worse, ok? Thanks for listening, and for having the courage to write it all down. Take care,


1:35 AM, March 22, 2005  

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