Thursday, March 24, 2005

Completed nothing

Want to know how much of my to do list I got done yesterday? Not a damn fucking thing! What a lazy stupid schmuck I am. Problem was, I forgot I didn't want to take my Seroquel and ended up taking it anyway out of habit. So I slept all day. Woke up to drive the kiddie to school, came back and slept til 2:30 pm. If the phone hadn't rung I probably would have never woken up.

Damn the CRS! I want to go off all the meds again and see if my memory improves. I was supposed to call my sister yesterday, forward an email to my mother and drive my father to the auto shop to drop off his car and I completely forgot I'd planned to do any of those things. Then yesterday afternoon, they called to say the car was ready and I even wrote the message down so I wouldn't forget, but I completely forgot to give the message to my father. This short term memory loss is getting out of control.

I'm irritated. Not at anything specific, just a general feeling of being very annoyed. Perhaps by life, perhaps at myself. Who knows. All I know is I want to scream at the top of my lungs but can't. Someone would call the cops on me, it's nearly 1:00 am. I'd like to cut, but I can't do it in my usual spot. Only the scars remain there, no fresh wounds and I'd like to keep it that way til after our trip.

It's weird that I'm almost afraid to cut on other parts of my body. You wouldn't think it would matter. I've done it on my legs before and a few times on my stomach, but it felt so foreign. Didn't provide anywhere near the level of relief I get from doing it on my arms. Almost felt as if I was brutalizing myself, which technically I am even if I don't view it that way. Wonder why that feeling is so absent when that blade is slicing into my arms.

I'm kind of glad that I deflect my rage inwards at myself. I have no doubt that if I had learned to direct it outwards at others that I would have killed someone by now. So I guess in some sick twisted way I should thank my mother for being so domineering that I was too scared shitless to talk back or yell at anyone. Ha, and I didn't think she did anything for me.


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